I wasn’t really given a specific number of things to talk about, so I figured I’d just do ten for each. I wasn’t sure if these were supposed to be physical traits, or personality traits, so it’s just going to be a little mix of everything. So, I’ll start with the things that I dislike, and end with the positive! :))
Things I dislike about myself:
My tendency to overthink everything. I’m always over-analyzing and putting way too much thought into everything…it sometimes causes me to jump to conclusions, and I end up stressing and freaking myself out for no reason. I’m trying to work on that.
I curse wayyy too much. It’s gotten really bad and to the point that I don’t even realize I’m doing it. I’m trying to cut down on my swearing because I think swearing a lot makes you sound really trashy and unintelligent. It’s awful.
My body. I’ve been through this before on my body image posts, but I just really don’t like the way it makes me look. I have zero curves, I’m disproportionate, my back/torso is deformed thanks to my scoliosis, and I’m way too skinny. I feel like I’m stuck in the body of a prepubescent ten year old boy. Not cute. I just want to feel like a woman.
My tendency to pretend that I don’t care about people as much as I really do in fear that they don’t care about me as much as I care about them. I won’t go into too much detail because I have a whole post about that here. Again, I’m trying to work on that.
My teeth. I hate my gap, and I have cavities in the front that I really need to get fixed. My teeth make me feel very unattractive and I plan to get them fixed as soon as I can afford it!
I feel like a bum because I’m 22 and I don’t have a job. It’s something that I’m really insecure about because I really want to support my own self and be independent, but I can’t. I feel like a 16 year old having to rely on my parents for my financial needs. I cannot wait for the day when I can pay for my own phone bill, and my car insurance, and pay my parents back for my car. Not to mention be able to hang out with my friends and do whatever I want without feeling like I’m a mooch because I don’t have any money. It just makes me feel like I’m not really doing anything with myself and really crappy about myself and like a loser. I want to make something of myself and be independent. =/
I have a tendency to be a bit suborn. And I don’t necessarily think that’s always a bad thing, but sometimes it can be. It sometimes takes me awhile to see things in a new and better light, and takes a lot of convincing. I have gotten a LOT better about that, though.
Now this is something I’ve come a LONG way on, and I’m MUCH, MUCH better than I used to be…but I’m still not completely there on it. Being assertive. I used to pretty much be a pushover back in highschool, and I would worry about not wanting to be mean, so I’d let myself get walked all over and people took advantage of me…I FINALLY got over that, but struggled with being very passive. Speaking my mind was something that was very difficult for me, and I am SOOOOO much better than I used to be. I’ve come such a long way. But I’m still working on it a bit. There’s still some things that I probably should speak my mind about, but don’t. I’m working on that, though!
My indecisiveness. I usually have a hard time making up my mind, or deciding what I want. It’s kind of annoying, and I wish it was a lot simpler to just chose. Again, I’m working on it.
I tend to be super hard on myself and I don’t give myself enough credit sometimes, and I have gotten a whole lot better with that, too, but I still tend to be a bit self critical and beat myself up about things. And in my mind I know that half the things I think about myself aren’t true, but I guess I just am a bit of a perfectionist. I’m really trying to be better with that, as well.
Things I like about myself:
I know I’m a good person. I’m genuine, kind, well mannered, real, and moral. I love that about myself. I have a lot of qualities that people seem to lack in today’s day in age. I’m glad that I don’t. Even though I was raised to have some opposite qualities, like being rude and judgemental…I became my own person. And I love that.
My weirdness. Who wants to be normal?! Normal is boring…I love being strange. 😉
My hair. My hair used to be one of my least favorite physical features, but it’s come a longgg way in the past year, and now it’s one of my favorites! :))
My confidence and self acceptance. Again, I’ve talked about this a few times before, but I love that despite my insecurities, I still have my confidence. I accept myself regardless and I recognize the things I can and can’t change about myself. In a way, I love my insecurities because they help make me who I am today. I’m SO glad that people’s opinions of me don’t phase me at all and that I will never feel sorry for myself.
My scars. I have a bunch of scars on my body, but a few very prominent ones that I love; the one on my back from my back surgeries, the one down my whole torso from a bunch of surgeries I had when I was little, and my “second belly button,” from my feeding tube. I absolutely LOVE my scars and I’d never get rid of them. I actually had the option to get them lasered off, and to make my feeding tube scar less noticeable, but I didn’t want that. I’ve had those scars for as long as I can remember and they’re apart of me. They help remind me that I’m a survivor and that I beat the odds; that I truly am blessed. They’re my battle wounds and I love them. I’d never not want to have them.
My eyes. I used to hate my brown eyes. I used to want green eyes…so badly that I even once researched eye color replacement surgery…haha. Yeah. Crazy, I know. But I love my brown eyes, now. I think they’re really pretty and unique because they’re almost like an orangey/golden color. I’d never even wear colored contacts now.
My independence. I’ve always loved the fact that I’m able to do things myself. I never wanted any special treatment, or accommodations growing up. Because of my disabilities, everyone always wanted to do everything for me…most people with curves in their spines as bad as mine was typically can’t even walk and are in wheelchairs. They’re in special programs at school and are secluded from the rest of the main population at school…I never wanted that to be me. I wanted to be as normal as possible. I wanted to be a normal kid. So I did just that. I declined any help and learned to do things on my own and I was able to go through school completely normal. Most people didn’t even know there was anything wrong with me. That taught me from an early age to be independent and do that for myself. I don’t need anyone to take care of me…and although sometimes it is nice to have someone kind of take care of you a bit, especially in your times of need, for the most part, I like to do things for myself. I make my own success, I want to support myself, etc. I’m proud of that.
I’m very creative. I always have been. The thought of creating something out of nothing has always appealed to me. When I was little, I would always enjoy crafts, and making things. I’d spend hours drawing, writing stories, and sneaking into my stepmom’s room and playing with her makeup. That continued as I got older…I still write, experiment and play with makeup, have fun with clothing and fashion, and I even do graphic and web design now. I guess I am a bit of an artist, and while I may not be super talented in all things art, I still enjoy it, and I still like that I enjoy it. Creative people fascinate me and inspire me. I’m glad that I can be considered creative, too.
I’m pretty funny…or so I like to think. Hahah. I have a great sense of humor and, I mean, I make myself laugh…so I hope I make other people laugh as well? Lol. But thank God I’m not one of those boring people who can’t laugh at anything. Blah. Haha.
I don’t really get embarrassed…and I think that’s an awesome thing. I’m able to laugh at myself when I do something stupid, or what’s typically considered embarrassing and just brush it off. I’ve wiped out down whole flights of stairs at school, walked around with two different shoes on, had my desk fall on top of me in the middle of class, and probably a million other things that most people would be typically embarrassed by…and I just am able to laugh at myself and make light of the situation. I’ve always been able to laugh at myself and make fun of myself; even my insecurities. There’s no need to take those kinds of situations and make them into something big that they don’t need to be. Life’s too short, just enjoy it. :))
Well, I kind of touched on this on my “Where Do You See Yourself in Ten Years” post, so hopefully this post isn’t too redundant. But basically, I just hope my future is a happy one. That’s all I want in life, is to be happy. I don’t want to look back on my life and regret and not be satisfied with where I am in life. I really hope I’m a lot wiser than I am now, and confident. Not saying that I’m stupid and insecure now, because I’m not at all, but I believe that as you age, you become even more confident, and more wise. I just want to learn all I can. I want to have my crap together. I’d like to have a family of my own…married with a couple children. Living in a nice, cozy, beautiful home in a beautiful location…that’s not Florida. I really hope that all my hard work pays off. I want to have a career that I love. I want to enjoy going to work everyday…I never want going to work to be something I dread. I hope that I can make a difference in people’s lives. I’d like to be financially stable and comfortable. I want to be able to help provide my family with what we need, and have some extra “fun money,” too, so that we can go out and enjoy ourselves, and buy extra, fun things. I’m not saying I want to be rich…just stable and comfortable. I want my family and I to be healthy. Health has always been something that’s prominent in my family, and I hope that in the future, my family and I won’t have to worry about health. I hope that I have a few close friends in my life who I can trust, and count on. That’s always been a big thing for me. I don’t like having a lot of people close to me, but I think having just a few is almost necessary. Like I said, most importantly, I just want to be happy, healthy, and comfortable in my future. Above anything else.
Okay, so I actually have a lot to say about this topic…I say that like I haven’t had a lot to say up until this point…ha. Who am I kidding? All of my posts have been long. Anyway, I really do have lots to say on this. You see, I’ve been around alcoholics and drug addicts my whole life. My mom has six sisters, and out of the six of them, there are only two that don’t have a drug and/or alcohol problem. I also have about 30 cousins, and about 90% percent of them all have drug and/or alcohol problems. My parents don’t ever really drink because of that, and I also chose not to partake. Drugs, and alcohol when used excessively, is absolutely life running…it’s trashy, it’s dangerous, and not to mention, I find it highly immoral. I don’t think alcohol is bad when done responsibly, and if you’re smart about it, and only drink occasionally, I think it’s absolutely fine. Drugs, however, there’s no excuse. Marijuana is also okay when done in moderation and done responsibly, but when getting high becomes an everyday thing for you, that’s bad, and I don’t agree with that. I personally don’t smoke, or touch marijuana, but if you want to do it, I’m not going to judge you or look down on you. As long as you’re smart about it. I do drink occasionally, but I never drink to get drunk. I hate the feeling of being drunk, and I usually stop myself as soon as I start feeling a buzz. I didn’t really start until I turned 21. And that was a personal, moral choice. I don’t look down on underage drinking because I know a lot of people do it, and like I’ve said, as long as you’re SMART, and RESPONSIBLE with it, and drink in moderation, it’s okay. Drugs, though, there’s no excuse. I have never and will never touch any sort of drug. I think it’s disgusting and wrong. It’s really sad that some people have to rely on drugs and alcohol to have fun…if you can’t have just as much fun sober than when you’re under the influence, that’s a really big problem. You don’t need drugs or alcohol to have fun, or to deal with your problems. Grow up, recognize what you need to work on, and find yourself. That’s the key to it all. Not some substance.
I’ve touched lightly on this topic a few times on my blog, and here I am with another vague post regarding it. Honestly, I just need to vent again, and I really have no one in my personal life I can talk about this to. Well, maybe I do. But I’m just scared to. It’s super personal to me. And super scary. But I feel like I’m lying to myself, and like I’m hiding something..because I pretty much am. And I really wish I could come clean, but a bad reaction would be even worse than feeling how I feel now. I just hate not knowing. I wish I knew if the reaction would be a bad one. I feel like this is right and this is how it’s supposed to be. But that doesn’t always mean it is. Is it worth doing something about? It’s not worth the potential risk…nothing is. But at the same time, nothing will ever happen if I never do anything about it. And I can’t keep wondering and not knowing. Living like this is killing me. I have to fess up, but I really don’t know if I should. If I come clean, and ruin what I’m so scared to in the process, I’ll be so upset. I just wish this didn’t have to be so complicated. I wish my brain didn’t have to go and change the way I feel. I wish that I didn’t feel the way I do. But it’s one of those things I can’t control. The ball is in my court and I’m SO confused. I literally have no idea what I should do. God, please help me. Help me make the right decision that’s best for me. My thoughts are telling me two different things and I don’t know which one to listen to.
So obviously, this isn’t going to be everything I’d like to do before I die, but this is definitely just a few things I’d like to do, see, or accomplish. Some of these things are pretty random, and silly, but they’re just little things that came to my mind. Some of these things probably won’t ever happen, but like I said, they’re just fun little things I think would be pretty cool to see, do, or accomplish. :))
Oh, and these are in no particular order…
Graduate from college with my Bachelors in Mass Communications
Have a successful, fulfilling career that I LOVE in the film, production, media, or journalism industry.
Move out of Florida and to a beautiful place that I love.
Change/influence someone’s life for the better.
Travel everywhere on my “places to travel to” list from yesterday’s post.
Have something I’ve written published.
Teach something important to someone.
Adopt a Dalmatian puppy.
Visit a movie set.
Ride in a hot air balloon.
Take a major risk.
Be independent enough to support myself.
Go on a cruise.
Have a white Christmas.
Build a snowman.
Swim in the Pacific Ocean.
Enhance my artistic abilities.
Do something no one would expect of me.
Make a difference in the world.
Take a road trip without a set destination…just drive wherever the road takes me.
Spend a whole night sleeping under the stars.
Go to Mardi Gras.
Have a bonfire…I’ve never even been to one before. How lame?! haha.
Start a slow clap…just because. haha.
Be able to spoil the ones I love. I love buying gifts for the people I love, or treating them to random surprises. I’d love to be able to financially afford to do so.
Own my dream home.
Fix my teeth.
Go to a lake house getaway.
Try every flavor of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream.
Eat at a five star restaurant.
Play hide and seek at Ikea…it just looks fun. hahah.
Take a road trip down Route 66.
Own a beach house.
Stay in a five star hotel.
Be able to own something nice for myself…a nice piece of jewelry, or a nice bag. I never treat myself to anything nice or expensive.
Own my own business…even if it’s just a small one.
Try and dabble in everything until I find my one, true passion in life.
Starting out with the positives; here are some things I like! These are in no particular order, by the way! :))
Driving around and random adventures.
Fashion and makeup. (Is that cheating…? Whatever. haha.)
Mountains and nature.
And now for this I dislike! Again, these are in no particular order! :))
Rude people/people with no class or respect.
Staying home all day.
Now obviously, these are just a few of the things I like and dislike. There are a ton more things, but the challenge only asked for ten, and these are the first ten I could think of. haha. I will say, though, it was actually a lot easier to think of things I like, rather than things I dislike, which I suppose is a good thing! :))