I’m clumsy, I’m awkward, I stutter, and most of the time, I’m a hot mess. I’m loud, I’m messy, and sometimes I’m lazy. I don’t wake up looking like a supermodel…actually, I don’t think all the makeup, or hair stylists in the world could make me look like a supermodel. I get emotional, and sometimes I cry. I make mistakes, and as much as I like to think I have it all together, sometimes I don’t. I don’t know everything, and sometimes I’m insecure. But that’s okay. Because I’m human. And people aren’t perfect, nor am I trying to be. Sure, there are some things I need to work on, but most of it, I can’t change, it’s just me and a part of who I am. And that’s okay. And if I’m not good enough for you, then don’t even bother talking to me. Because I don’t change myself to fit ANYONE’S standards. And that’s final.
“What Susie says of Sally, says more of Susie than it does Sally.”
“If you change, change ONLY for yourself, NOT to gain approval from others. Even if the change is for the ‘better,’ it means nothing unless you do it for yourself and only yourself. Don’t sacrifice your values and who you truly are for anyone because you are awesome the way you are and there are people who love you for your TRUE self; it’s not fair to those people or yourself to change that just to feel ‘accepted.’ Seeking acceptance is never the answer.”
“I’ve learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. I’ve learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you’ll miss them when they’re gone from your life. I’ve learned that making a ‘living’ is not the same thing as making a ‘life.’ I’ve learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. I’ve learned that you shouldn’t go through life with a catcher’s mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back. I’ve learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I’ve learned that even when I have pains, I don’t have to be one. I’ve learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I’ve learned that I still have a lot to learn. I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
I’m not really sure which direction this post is going to go in…this is one of those late night, insomnia, random thoughts popping into my mind kind of posts, so I apologize in advance. Hah. Sometimes I wonder what it’s like to actually feel loved, appreciated, and special. Now before you all assume I’m some sort of negative, depressed drama queen, let me clarify by saying that I know I am loved, and appreciated…by some people anyway, but that doesn’t mean I always feel that way…or ever feel that way. By my family, mostly. I know my family loves me, but my whole life, I’ve never exactly felt special to anyone in my family. My mom, dad, step dad, step mom, sisters, etc…I have a very selfish family. How I turned out as selfless as I did? I have no idea. But thank God I did.
Anyway, I feel like there selfishness has gotten in the way of actually making me feel special and appreciated by them. I feel like no one in my life has ever made sacrifices for me…I never grew up in a house where we said “I love you” or hugged, or did family activities together, or showed any sort of affection. It was like an unwritten rule…we knew we loved each other, so why did we ever have to say it. But that’s not me, though. I’m a very affectionate person. I like to spoil the people I love. I like to surprise them, I like to show AND tell them how much they mean to me…or I like the idea of that anyway. But I really don’t know how to do those things. It doing those things scares me. You see, because I grew up in a family where that sort of stuff never took place, it’s conditioned me to act awkward and fear away from showing any sort of affection towards anyone. And that’s really sad. It’s also conditioned me to not know how to react when someone shows affection to me. What if a friend, or someone else in my life tells me they love me, or that they care about me? What do I do? What do I say back? Thank you? I honestly have NO idea. And it’s really sad because now I don’t even know how to let the people I care about know that I care about them.
It kind of sucks when you grow up not feeling like you’re special to anyone. I never questioned whether my family loved me because I know they did. But growing up, having friends whose parents always did SO much extra for them, and showered them with extra affection, and surprised them with little things just because…and even now, still having friends and knowing people whose families do so much for them and with them…just little things, like planning a nice day for their birthday, or spending holidays with them, or taking them out to eat…the little things. My family never does that. We don’t really even celebrate birthdays…hell, I’m lucky if I get a “happy birthday” from my family, and the only time I get a birthday cake on my birthday is when I buy it for myself. It’s kind of silly and it sounds sort of lame, but I’ve always wanted a birthday cake with candles, with the whole “happy birthday” song thing, and blowing out my candles. I feel deprived. I don’t think I’ve gotten that since I was maybe eight years old? I usually end up spending every birthday I have sitting at home alone, or in my room alone…bored. And it’s not that my family means anything by it, but they’re just selfish, and lazy and don’t think much of it. We don’t really celebrate anything…not even once in a lifetime things, or monumental life moments. My mom won’t even take photos of me because she says; “I already know what you look like…why do I need a picture of you?” And although my parents do love me, I experienced quite a bit off verbal abuse in my house…particularly from my mother. Instead of terms of endearment, and admiration, and love..it was always very negative; “you could be better,” “you’re useless,” “you do nothing right,” “you’re a selfish bitch,” etc. I’m surprised I grew up to have the confidence I do. And it’s not that she intentionally wants to hurt me, but unfortunately she takes out all of her frustrations on me, and I guess it makes her feel better to belittle me. It still hurts nonetheless, and I kind of wish I knew how it felt to actually FEEL loved, special, and important to someone, rather than just knowing you are because thats what you SHOULD do.
This just makes me really sad because I feel like it’s kind of ruined me and I haven’t gotten to experience the life I want. I look at my friends and other people I know, and how they’ve gotten to experience everything I never got to, and it makes me a bit jealous. I’m a very independent girl, and I love that I’m okay with only having myself to rely on, but I am human, and it would be nice to feel special every once in awhile…for someone just to do nice little gestures for me every now and then because I never had that growing up. I wish my family didn’t ruin my abilities to be an affectionate person because I really am at heart; I just don’t know how to express it. It makes me feel awkward, but I’m working on that because I know how important it is to show that affection and emotion because I never had that. But in the back of my mind, I always wonder “what if this person thinks I’m so weird for saying/doing this like my family does??” It really sucks. It would just be nice to feel special and appreciated every now and then because I believe it’s a basic human right, and even if it’s not by my family…just someone in my life because we’re all entitled to feeling special and important. Because of my family, unfortunately, I am now the type of person that needs reassurance that I am appreciated and cared for, and that’s sad to me. Sometimes I feel that in my childhood and family, I really did get the short end of the stick. =/
I wasn’t really given a specific number of things to talk about, so I figured I’d just do ten for each. I wasn’t sure if these were supposed to be physical traits, or personality traits, so it’s just going to be a little mix of everything. So, I’ll start with the things that I dislike, and end with the positive! :))
Things I dislike about myself:
- My tendency to overthink everything. I’m always over-analyzing and putting way too much thought into everything…it sometimes causes me to jump to conclusions, and I end up stressing and freaking myself out for no reason. I’m trying to work on that.
- I curse wayyy too much. It’s gotten really bad and to the point that I don’t even realize I’m doing it. I’m trying to cut down on my swearing because I think swearing a lot makes you sound really trashy and unintelligent. It’s awful.
- My body. I’ve been through this before on my body image posts, but I just really don’t like the way it makes me look. I have zero curves, I’m disproportionate, my back/torso is deformed thanks to my scoliosis, and I’m way too skinny. I feel like I’m stuck in the body of a prepubescent ten year old boy. Not cute. I just want to feel like a woman.
- My tendency to pretend that I don’t care about people as much as I really do in fear that they don’t care about me as much as I care about them. I won’t go into too much detail because I have a whole post about that here. Again, I’m trying to work on that.
- My teeth. I hate my gap, and I have cavities in the front that I really need to get fixed. My teeth make me feel very unattractive and I plan to get them fixed as soon as I can afford it!
- I feel like a bum because I’m 22 and I don’t have a job. It’s something that I’m really insecure about because I really want to support my own self and be independent, but I can’t. I feel like a 16 year old having to rely on my parents for my financial needs. I cannot wait for the day when I can pay for my own phone bill, and my car insurance, and pay my parents back for my car. Not to mention be able to hang out with my friends and do whatever I want without feeling like I’m a mooch because I don’t have any money. It just makes me feel like I’m not really doing anything with myself and really crappy about myself and like a loser. I want to make something of myself and be independent. =/
- I have a tendency to be a bit suborn. And I don’t necessarily think that’s always a bad thing, but sometimes it can be. It sometimes takes me awhile to see things in a new and better light, and takes a lot of convincing. I have gotten a LOT better about that, though.
- Now this is something I’ve come a LONG way on, and I’m MUCH, MUCH better than I used to be…but I’m still not completely there on it. Being assertive. I used to pretty much be a pushover back in highschool, and I would worry about not wanting to be mean, so I’d let myself get walked all over and people took advantage of me…I FINALLY got over that, but struggled with being very passive. Speaking my mind was something that was very difficult for me, and I am SOOOOO much better than I used to be. I’ve come such a long way. But I’m still working on it a bit. There’s still some things that I probably should speak my mind about, but don’t. I’m working on that, though!
- My indecisiveness. I usually have a hard time making up my mind, or deciding what I want. It’s kind of annoying, and I wish it was a lot simpler to just chose. Again, I’m working on it.
- I tend to be super hard on myself and I don’t give myself enough credit sometimes, and I have gotten a whole lot better with that, too, but I still tend to be a bit self critical and beat myself up about things. And in my mind I know that half the things I think about myself aren’t true, but I guess I just am a bit of a perfectionist. I’m really trying to be better with that, as well.
Things I like about myself:
- I know I’m a good person. I’m genuine, kind, well mannered, real, and moral. I love that about myself. I have a lot of qualities that people seem to lack in today’s day in age. I’m glad that I don’t. Even though I was raised to have some opposite qualities, like being rude and judgemental…I became my own person. And I love that.
- My weirdness. Who wants to be normal?! Normal is boring…I love being strange. 😉
- My hair. My hair used to be one of my least favorite physical features, but it’s come a longgg way in the past year, and now it’s one of my favorites! :))
- My confidence and self acceptance. Again, I’ve talked about this a few times before, but I love that despite my insecurities, I still have my confidence. I accept myself regardless and I recognize the things I can and can’t change about myself. In a way, I love my insecurities because they help make me who I am today. I’m SO glad that people’s opinions of me don’t phase me at all and that I will never feel sorry for myself.
- My scars. I have a bunch of scars on my body, but a few very prominent ones that I love; the one on my back from my back surgeries, the one down my whole torso from a bunch of surgeries I had when I was little, and my “second belly button,” from my feeding tube. I absolutely LOVE my scars and I’d never get rid of them. I actually had the option to get them lasered off, and to make my feeding tube scar less noticeable, but I didn’t want that. I’ve had those scars for as long as I can remember and they’re apart of me. They help remind me that I’m a survivor and that I beat the odds; that I truly am blessed. They’re my battle wounds and I love them. I’d never not want to have them.
- My eyes. I used to hate my brown eyes. I used to want green eyes…so badly that I even once researched eye color replacement surgery…haha. Yeah. Crazy, I know. But I love my brown eyes, now. I think they’re really pretty and unique because they’re almost like an orangey/golden color. I’d never even wear colored contacts now.
- My independence. I’ve always loved the fact that I’m able to do things myself. I never wanted any special treatment, or accommodations growing up. Because of my disabilities, everyone always wanted to do everything for me…most people with curves in their spines as bad as mine was typically can’t even walk and are in wheelchairs. They’re in special programs at school and are secluded from the rest of the main population at school…I never wanted that to be me. I wanted to be as normal as possible. I wanted to be a normal kid. So I did just that. I declined any help and learned to do things on my own and I was able to go through school completely normal. Most people didn’t even know there was anything wrong with me. That taught me from an early age to be independent and do that for myself. I don’t need anyone to take care of me…and although sometimes it is nice to have someone kind of take care of you a bit, especially in your times of need, for the most part, I like to do things for myself. I make my own success, I want to support myself, etc. I’m proud of that.
- I’m very creative. I always have been. The thought of creating something out of nothing has always appealed to me. When I was little, I would always enjoy crafts, and making things. I’d spend hours drawing, writing stories, and sneaking into my stepmom’s room and playing with her makeup. That continued as I got older…I still write, experiment and play with makeup, have fun with clothing and fashion, and I even do graphic and web design now. I guess I am a bit of an artist, and while I may not be super talented in all things art, I still enjoy it, and I still like that I enjoy it. Creative people fascinate me and inspire me. I’m glad that I can be considered creative, too.
- I’m pretty funny…or so I like to think. Hahah. I have a great sense of humor and, I mean, I make myself laugh…so I hope I make other people laugh as well? Lol. But thank God I’m not one of those boring people who can’t laugh at anything. Blah. Haha.
- I don’t really get embarrassed…and I think that’s an awesome thing. I’m able to laugh at myself when I do something stupid, or what’s typically considered embarrassing and just brush it off. I’ve wiped out down whole flights of stairs at school, walked around with two different shoes on, had my desk fall on top of me in the middle of class, and probably a million other things that most people would be typically embarrassed by…and I just am able to laugh at myself and make light of the situation. I’ve always been able to laugh at myself and make fun of myself; even my insecurities. There’s no need to take those kinds of situations and make them into something big that they don’t need to be. Life’s too short, just enjoy it. :))
As I stated a few times before on this blog, I am very proud of who I am as a person. I so strive to be the best me possible, so there are a lot of things I do take pride in when it comes to my personality.
- The first one being that I do think I’m a very genuine, kind person. I’m extremely real and I don’t say or do things that I don’t mean. I genuinely do care a lot about people, especially those closest to me, and I’d do anything for them. I don’t judge or discriminate anyone for anything, and I treat all people with respect. I would never put someone else down, to talk badly about them…no matter if it’s done for comedic value or not…I think talking badly about people is one of the lowest things you could do as a person.
- I’m proud that I don’t let other’s opinions about affect me at all. I feel very lucky that I’ve established that sort of mindset at such an early age, so I never really had to deal with others making me feel badly about myself. I was bullied pretty badly when I was younger, and still, I get people who try to put me down and say mean things about me, but it’s never once bothered me. And I’m proud of that. I’m proud that I’ve never had to worry about people’s thoughts and opinions of me affecting me negatively. I’ve never had to worry about struggling to impress people. And I’m proud that I’m not afraid to be my real and true self, regardless of what anyone thinks. I’ve had some really awful things said about me, and to me, and it could have easily went in the other direction and absolutely destroyed me mentally…it could have scared me and made me super insecure, but it didn’t. It only taught me that what others say or think about you doesn’t define you and it doesn’t matter because they aren’t you. And I’m proud of that.
- I’m proud that I’m determined. I don’t give up in life, or take the easy way out. I just stick with it and do whatever it takes. Life has been anything but easy for me…from my health issues, family issues, mindsets, school, and just typical life trials and tribulations…it’s been extremely hard, and yeah, I’ve had extremely low points. But I’m the type of person that sticks with something until the end and I don’t give up until I achieve what I want. Even when it comes to my health…I am a survivor, and I take so much pride in that. With high school, my health caused me to miss TONS of school…but I still managed to graduate on time and maintain a “B,” average despite the odds and I’m proud of that. It’s taken me four years to complete a two year degree in college, and although it took me twice as long, due to my horrendous math skills, I still stuck with it, and never gave up, and finally managed to finish my degree. And I’m proud of that. I’m proud that even through the dark times and hard times in my life, I’m able to recognize what’s wrong and fix and improve myself.I’m determined to fix whatever issue it is that I have and I keep working at it…no matter how hard it may be. Because improving myself is super important to me. And I’m proud of that because you’d be surprised how many people actually don’t even realize their issues that they need to fix with themselves, let alone have the determination and ambition to actually stick with it and fix the issue. And I feel so blessed and thankful that I do.