I’m not perfect…

I’m clumsy, I’m awkward, I stutter, and most of the time, I’m a hot mess. I’m loud, I’m messy, and sometimes I’m lazy. I don’t wake up looking like a supermodel…actually, I don’t think all the makeup, or hair stylists in the world could make me look like a supermodel. I get emotional, and sometimes I cry. I make mistakes, and as much as I like to think I have it all together, sometimes I don’t. I don’t know everything, and sometimes I’m insecure. But that’s okay. Because I’m human. And people aren’t perfect, nor am I trying to be. Sure, there are some things I need to work on, but most of it, I can’t change, it’s just me and a part of who I am. And that’s okay. And if I’m not good enough for you, then don’t even bother talking to me. Because I don’t change myself to fit ANYONE’S standards. And that’s final.

I think you’ve got it all wrong…

No, this world isn’t “evil,” and no, it’s not a bad place…being here isn’t a punishment. Sure there are bad things…lots of them…but there’s also MORE wonderful things. You see, in order to recognize that there is bad in this world, and what exactly is wrong, you must also be able to recognize what is GOOD. Am I right? You see, as human beings, God gave us freewill…freewill to make our own choices, and think for ourselves, and while, yes, some people chose to do bad things and create evil, people also choose to do lots of wonderfully good, AMAZING things…all on their own freewill…and I think that’s a beautiful thing. That people choose to do good because they want to. I could easily make this a religion thing, which I tend to be careful about in order not to shove my beliefs down people’s throats, but this is what I believe to be true…this world may not be perfect, and there is a lot of bad and evil things in this world, but that’s not to say that this is the devil’s world. I don’t believe this world is a bad place, and I definitely don’t believe that the devil runs this world. Is he present in many of the things here? Absolutely. And does he try to scheme and trick us into doing bad things? You bet he does! BUT, God is also very much so present…even more so than the devil…and SO much more powerful. Yeah, this world might get tough sometimes, but God is here to guide us, and help us along the way to protect us from the bad. God helps amazing things come from even the worst situations. And that alone is beautiful. Without suffering, there would be no compassion, and to recognize that there is wrong in this world, you are also recognizing that there is good…because what is good, if there was no wrong? If that makes sense. Whether what religion you are, or whether you believe in God or not, I’m just going to leave you with this…not to say that people without religion cannot have morals, because they most certainly can, BUT, how can they explain WHY something is good…what makes it good? The only explanation for good, is God. Also, from a religious standpoint, being “good” and following God’s law does not get you on his good side, or into heaven. Very common misconception. In God’s eyes, we’re all bad; we’re all sinners…every single one of us. And just because we may do some amazing things in this world, we also sin…every day. And sin is sin…no sin is any worse than another. And no matter how many good things we’ve done, it still doesn’t erase the sins you’ve made. It’s not about following God’s law as a perfect human…that’s impossible, and God KNOWS that. The only perfect person who will ever exist is Jesus, and that’s why he sacrificed himself for OUR sins…so that as long as you accept him into your life and follow him, HE covers all the sin you’ve made in life, which allows you to go to Heaven regardless of your sin. He’s kind of a get-out-of-jail-free card, if you will. A lot of people have a misconception…just because you’re a good person and follow God’s law, does NOT mean you’re getting into Heaven. That’s wrong. The only way you’ll get into heaven is through Jesus and accepting him as your savior. After accepting Jesus, that should change your heart and make you WANT to do good things, but without doing that, and simply just being like “well, God and The Bible tell me I can’t do this, so I’m not going to because I want to go to Heaven,” will NOT get you into Heaven. The fact of the matter is this, you can sin all you want, but as long as you’ve accepted Jesus into your heart as your savior, you’re set. BUT, that being said, having Jesus in your life SHOULD, in your heart make you want to do good things, and be a good person, and live fruitfully and graciously because if you don’t have the fruit of being a Christian, then it’s questionable whether you’re really a Christian at all. Anyway, I didn’t want to make this completely a religion thing, but I guess there’s no getting around that because this is what I believe to be absolutely true. Moral of the story; no, this world isn’t evil…it’s absolutely beautiful…even despite the evil, because we still have God, and he’ll always conquer. He’ll always win and the goodness in this world will always triumph the evil. God doesn’t want us to despise our time here because it’s “evil”…he wants us to enjoy it, and use our time here to not give into the temptations and CREATE more goodness. I believe this world is a beautiful place, despite the bad things, and being here is an absolute blessing. God is trusting the freewill he gave us to create goodness, and what could be more beautiful than that?

Failure leads to success…

It is true what they say; failure does, in fact, lead to success. A quote I’ve lived by for the past two years, but sometimes, after so many failures, you begin to wonder if that’s actually true. Is everyone meant to succeed? Will everyone eventually have their time to shine? At least I wondered that, anyway. Finding a job has been a tedious task, to say the least…especially in the past two years.

Being a college student, it’s only natural to want to work, make your own money, and gain independence to prepare yourself for the real, adult world. But for me, just finding a part-time job seemed next to impossible. Every application I turned in, and every interview I went on seemed like playing the lottery. Being a young adult in her early 20’s with her only job experience being a three month long summer job in New York three years ago, where my aunt was the manager, I wasn’t exactly in “high-demand,” if you will. The fact that I’m also barley 80 pounds, four foot, eight inches, have quite severe scoliosis, and look like I’m about thirteen year old, didn’t help much, either. Managers tended to not take me seriously because of how young I looked and my physical disabilities. I just needed someone to look past my physical qualities. They didn’t affect my work ethic, or my skill…they’re just physical. Other than that, I’m a normal person, who lives her life…well, normally. I can do anything anyone else can, and have just as much work ethic as anyone else. I’m a very independent person, and I’ve never been one to let a silly disability that effects nothing but my height get in my way. I just needed that one chance, that one manager, to see past that, and see me for who I really am.

So for the past two years, I struggled. Relying on my parents, and sometimes even very generous friends to help me financially. I hated that; I felt like I burden. I didn’t want to be that girl who just mooched off everyone around me. While all my friends were out working, I was sitting at home, alone, by myself feeling like a loser with no life. And with parents who constantly put me down for not working, like it was something I chose, it really put a damper on my self esteem.

For the past two years, a very, very generous, kind, and helpful friend of mine has helped me SO much in trying to find a job. From recruiting me to potential employers, helping me fill out applications, giving me tips and advice for job interviews, tough-love, and really just encouraging me to keep trying and reminding me that failure does lead to success, and that one day, God is going to give me the perfect job for me. And that honestly meant so much.

After an almost two year feat, last week, my friend, who works at Starbucks, texted me and told me to fill out an application to the new Starbucks location opening up in our area. The manager of that store, is temporarily working at his store, until the new location opens up. He talked to her about me, and I filled out the application. Within 30 minutes of submitting it online, I got a phone call from the manager asking me to come in for an interview later on in the week. The interview went great, and the managers made me feel really comfortable.Two days later, I got a phone call from her saying that I got the job! FINALLY! I was so excited…and didn’t really believe it at first…I had been waiting TWO YEARS for this day, and was finally here!

I instantly called my friend and told him the good news and he shared just as much excitement as I did. We finally did it! I say “we” because I do believe that he’s been such a big part of my journey in finding a job and I don’t think I could have done it without him. I believe that God helped me find a job through him, and I’m so thankful. Not for just landing me a job, but for being there for me along the way and encouraging me to keep trying, not to give up, and reminding me that God will give me the right job at the right time; that my moment will eventually come, and that sometimes failure makes the best success stories.

It’s not the “success” that makes people inspired; it’s the journey, the rocky road, the roller coaster, and the failure that all come first that make the story, and make it inspirational. God doesn’t just hand out success; he won’t give you anything that you can’t handle, so you just have to put your trust and faith into him and know that he WILL give you what is best for you when the timing is right. You just need a little patience. Two years ago, I don’t think I could have handled this, really…I don’t think I was mentally ready. But I am now. God does know what he’s doing. You just have to trust. I’m a little scared, and nervous, but I’m also excited and I can’t wait to see where this takes me. I hope it’s a good, and most importantly, a happy journey for me. If you’re struggling with a similar situation, just remember, eventually failure does lead to success. It may take time, but just have faith and believe that when the timing is right, it WILL happen for you when it’s meant to be. It took me two years, but I finally did it. And you can, too! I believe in you. My friend was right, and I’m SO thankful for everything he’s done for me to help make my career goals a reality.

Happiness > Talent….

Sometimes what you’re good at, isn’t necessarily what you enjoy doing. Some people are blessed enough to have incredible talents in which they not only highly excel at, but also LOVE doing. But what if that’s not you? What if you’re different? For some people the thing that they’re good at, and that they excel in is actually something that they don’t enjoy doing…at all. I’m one of those people.

For me, computers is something that I’ve always been good at. I’m not sure why…it just comes easy to me. I’ve used computers almost my whole life, so I just self-taught myself everything that I need to know about them. And while I like that I know so much about them, and the way they work…I don’t actually like the action of working with them. It’s boring, dull, frustrating…and I honestly hate it. I enjoy things that aren’t so structural…things that allow me creative freedom. I have an extremely creative mind, and I want to embrace that. I enjoy things like writing, art, photography design, and anything that allows me to make something my own…to make something out of nothing. To be myself. And unfortunately, when it comes to the arts…sure, I’m decent…and I’m kind of talented in some aspects of it, but I guess I’m not as knowledgeable in a lot of areas. And I hate that. Because those things make me happy. Not some stupid, structural, technological b.s.

It sucks when you have people telling you “oh, that’s your window,” or “you should be doing something in THAT field.” What if I don’t want to? Sure it’s an amazing job…and a good opportunity. But it’s not me. And it doesn’t make me happy. And I don’t want to do it. I’m not willing to sacrifice myself for a job. I had a friend convince me to apply for this amazing computer programming job, so I did. I really need the money, and I’m having issues finding a job. He said to me “has it ever occurred to you that this is the kind of stuff you should be applying for because it seems to me that you’ve just been applying in offices and restaurants?” Part of me wanted to say “no, because I hate computer programming and working with technology and the thought of working in that field makes me sick to my stomach.” But I’ve been looking for a job for over a year now with no luck, and I really have no room to be picky. So I filled out the job application and pretended to be excited and hopeful for a job I’m going to absolutely despise if I get it. He then started talking about changing my major to computer programming and everything along those lines, and that made me really uncomfortable. I know he was only trying to help, and I truly appreciate that SOO incredibly much, but I hate when people I know have false ideas about me. That’s not who I am. Nor is it who I want to be.

I’d rather work harder and expand my skill on what I TRULY enjoy doing and really grow to excel in it. I want to put my heart and soul into what I do and I want my passion to shine through. Most importantly, I want to use my skills, and who I am, as a person to help, give back, and inspire others. My main goal is to be happy and make a difference in the world somehow. That’s gonna be pretty hard to do if I hate my job. I said this to the same friend earlier tonight; “I’d rather be happy and poor, than rich and miserable.” So I think I’m going to pull my application from the company, and continue trying to get a job at someplace I’ll actually enjoy working at…like as a receptionist, or in a restaurant/hospitality environment…where I can be social, and interact with tons of other people, and have fun with it while also going to school to pursue my Mass Communications degree to prepare for my dream career…whatever that may be. I’m not exactly sure what I want to to do with my degree yet, but that’s okay. I’ll figure it out. Sometimes I’m not even sure is Mass Comm is for me. I do like it, but is there something better out there for me? Maybe. But I know it’s NOT computers.

It’s my life, and I deserve to be happy. And I encourage you all to do the same. Don’t listen to what anyone says; your peers, your parents, your friends, your teachers, etc…go for what YOU want to go for. Even if you may not be the best at it, if you truly love it and emerge yourself into it, then you’ll excel and your skill will improve. It’s your life, and you deserve to be happy. It doesn’t matter how “talented” you are at something…what matters is how much passion and love for it. So take that passion and love and implement it to create something truly beautiful…that’s gonna make you the best “you” that you can be. Money can’t buy happiness, folks. You deserve to be happy. So do it.

Let the people who actually care about you the most, care…

Don’t emotionally push away the people who care most. If they ask if something’s wrong, tell them. If they ask if you’re okay, speak up and say that you’re not. If they push you to talk to them and open up to them, then do it. Deep down, you know the ones who truly care about you the most, so trust them, not the bystanders that you use to distract yourself from whatever you’re going through; not the acquaintances that don’t truly know the TRUE and complete you. No matter how many deep conversations you have with them, no matter how much you open up to them, they’ll never understand you, or care for you the way that the people who truly matter in your life do. Sure, they may offer decent support, lend a ear to listen, and offer good advice…but they don’t care like you want them to. It’s not fair to the people who truly want to help, and truly care SO much about you and your happiness, the people who would give their lives for you, to brush them to the side for these bystanders who aren’t truly there for you with everything they have. Let the people who actually want in, in. Let them help you. Let them be there for you. Let them care about you. Because that’s what they’re there for. They’re begging for it, and want to be there for you more than anything. Don’t ignore them. Don’t brush them off. Let them in. Because they matter the most.