I think you’ve got it all wrong…

No, this world isn’t “evil,” and no, it’s not a bad place…being here isn’t a punishment. Sure there are bad things…lots of them…but there’s also MORE wonderful things. You see, in order to recognize that there is bad in this world, and what exactly is wrong, you must also be able to recognize what is GOOD. Am I right? You see, as human beings, God gave us freewill…freewill to make our own choices, and think for ourselves, and while, yes, some people chose to do bad things and create evil, people also choose to do lots of wonderfully good, AMAZING things…all on their own freewill…and I think that’s a beautiful thing. That people choose to do good because they want to. I could easily make this a religion thing, which I tend to be careful about in order not to shove my beliefs down people’s throats, but this is what I believe to be true…this world may not be perfect, and there is a lot of bad and evil things in this world, but that’s not to say that this is the devil’s world. I don’t believe this world is a bad place, and I definitely don’t believe that the devil runs this world. Is he present in many of the things here? Absolutely. And does he try to scheme and trick us into doing bad things? You bet he does! BUT, God is also very much so present…even more so than the devil…and SO much more powerful. Yeah, this world might get tough sometimes, but God is here to guide us, and help us along the way to protect us from the bad. God helps amazing things come from even the worst situations. And that alone is beautiful. Without suffering, there would be no compassion, and to recognize that there is wrong in this world, you are also recognizing that there is good…because what is good, if there was no wrong? If that makes sense. Whether what religion you are, or whether you believe in God or not, I’m just going to leave you with this…not to say that people without religion cannot have morals, because they most certainly can, BUT, how can they explain WHY something is good…what makes it good? The only explanation for good, is God. Also, from a religious standpoint, being “good” and following God’s law does not get you on his good side, or into heaven. Very common misconception. In God’s eyes, we’re all bad; we’re all sinners…every single one of us. And just because we may do some amazing things in this world, we also sin…every day. And sin is sin…no sin is any worse than another. And no matter how many good things we’ve done, it still doesn’t erase the sins you’ve made. It’s not about following God’s law as a perfect human…that’s impossible, and God KNOWS that. The only perfect person who will ever exist is Jesus, and that’s why he sacrificed himself for OUR sins…so that as long as you accept him into your life and follow him, HE covers all the sin you’ve made in life, which allows you to go to Heaven regardless of your sin. He’s kind of a get-out-of-jail-free card, if you will. A lot of people have a misconception…just because you’re a good person and follow God’s law, does NOT mean you’re getting into Heaven. That’s wrong. The only way you’ll get into heaven is through Jesus and accepting him as your savior. After accepting Jesus, that should change your heart and make you WANT to do good things, but without doing that, and simply just being like “well, God and The Bible tell me I can’t do this, so I’m not going to because I want to go to Heaven,” will NOT get you into Heaven. The fact of the matter is this, you can sin all you want, but as long as you’ve accepted Jesus into your heart as your savior, you’re set. BUT, that being said, having Jesus in your life SHOULD, in your heart make you want to do good things, and be a good person, and live fruitfully and graciously because if you don’t have the fruit of being a Christian, then it’s questionable whether you’re really a Christian at all. Anyway, I didn’t want to make this completely a religion thing, but I guess there’s no getting around that because this is what I believe to be absolutely true. Moral of the story; no, this world isn’t evil…it’s absolutely beautiful…even despite the evil, because we still have God, and he’ll always conquer. He’ll always win and the goodness in this world will always triumph the evil. God doesn’t want us to despise our time here because it’s “evil”…he wants us to enjoy it, and use our time here to not give into the temptations and CREATE more goodness. I believe this world is a beautiful place, despite the bad things, and being here is an absolute blessing. God is trusting the freewill he gave us to create goodness, and what could be more beautiful than that?

Are you REALLY giving it your all??

WOW! Longtime, no blog, I know! There’s really no excuse for my absence except for the fact that I’ve been insanely busy and so much has changed in my life recently that I’ve honestly been too overwhelmed with ideas for posts and updates that I didn’t even know where to begin. But, this isn’t an update post, so I’ll save those for another time. I just wanted to leave all of you out there reading this, with this little food for thought; no matter how “unimportant” a job or task may seem to you, that doesn’t mean that it’s any less significant, and that you shouldn’t give it your all. Your “little” job flipping burgers is no less significant than a “big time” office job dealing with “important” paperwork, and more ”established” people. They’re both the same. It doesn’t matter what you do, or what makes you feel “smarter.” A job is a job, and no matter how unimportant it may seem, it IS just AS important as the next, and it deserves 110% of your effort…that’s what being a mature hard worker is all about…your effort…NOT the job. DO NOT half ass a task because you don’t think it’s as important as another job/task, or because you think you’re better than whatever it is you’re doing. Whatever it is you’re doing at that moment, needs to be where ALL of your focus needs to be, because I guarantee, eventually, it will backfire on you. Like I said, food for thought.

Waiting for pigs to fly…

Coming to terms with the fact that one of the things that you want more than anything will probably never happen, is one of the hardest things…so hard, in fact, that I don’t think I’ll ever be able to lose hope for it. It just sucks because part of me knows I’m wasting my time waiting for pigs to fly, but I want this. SO badly. And I feel so strongly that this is right for me, but so far, it doesn’t look like it’s ever going to happen…and that scares me.

Happiness > Talent….

Sometimes what you’re good at, isn’t necessarily what you enjoy doing. Some people are blessed enough to have incredible talents in which they not only highly excel at, but also LOVE doing. But what if that’s not you? What if you’re different? For some people the thing that they’re good at, and that they excel in is actually something that they don’t enjoy doing…at all. I’m one of those people.

For me, computers is something that I’ve always been good at. I’m not sure why…it just comes easy to me. I’ve used computers almost my whole life, so I just self-taught myself everything that I need to know about them. And while I like that I know so much about them, and the way they work…I don’t actually like the action of working with them. It’s boring, dull, frustrating…and I honestly hate it. I enjoy things that aren’t so structural…things that allow me creative freedom. I have an extremely creative mind, and I want to embrace that. I enjoy things like writing, art, photography design, and anything that allows me to make something my own…to make something out of nothing. To be myself. And unfortunately, when it comes to the arts…sure, I’m decent…and I’m kind of talented in some aspects of it, but I guess I’m not as knowledgeable in a lot of areas. And I hate that. Because those things make me happy. Not some stupid, structural, technological b.s.

It sucks when you have people telling you “oh, that’s your window,” or “you should be doing something in THAT field.” What if I don’t want to? Sure it’s an amazing job…and a good opportunity. But it’s not me. And it doesn’t make me happy. And I don’t want to do it. I’m not willing to sacrifice myself for a job. I had a friend convince me to apply for this amazing computer programming job, so I did. I really need the money, and I’m having issues finding a job. He said to me “has it ever occurred to you that this is the kind of stuff you should be applying for because it seems to me that you’ve just been applying in offices and restaurants?” Part of me wanted to say “no, because I hate computer programming and working with technology and the thought of working in that field makes me sick to my stomach.” But I’ve been looking for a job for over a year now with no luck, and I really have no room to be picky. So I filled out the job application and pretended to be excited and hopeful for a job I’m going to absolutely despise if I get it. He then started talking about changing my major to computer programming and everything along those lines, and that made me really uncomfortable. I know he was only trying to help, and I truly appreciate that SOO incredibly much, but I hate when people I know have false ideas about me. That’s not who I am. Nor is it who I want to be.

I’d rather work harder and expand my skill on what I TRULY enjoy doing and really grow to excel in it. I want to put my heart and soul into what I do and I want my passion to shine through. Most importantly, I want to use my skills, and who I am, as a person to help, give back, and inspire others. My main goal is to be happy and make a difference in the world somehow. That’s gonna be pretty hard to do if I hate my job. I said this to the same friend earlier tonight; “I’d rather be happy and poor, than rich and miserable.” So I think I’m going to pull my application from the company, and continue trying to get a job at someplace I’ll actually enjoy working at…like as a receptionist, or in a restaurant/hospitality environment…where I can be social, and interact with tons of other people, and have fun with it while also going to school to pursue my Mass Communications degree to prepare for my dream career…whatever that may be. I’m not exactly sure what I want to to do with my degree yet, but that’s okay. I’ll figure it out. Sometimes I’m not even sure is Mass Comm is for me. I do like it, but is there something better out there for me? Maybe. But I know it’s NOT computers.

It’s my life, and I deserve to be happy. And I encourage you all to do the same. Don’t listen to what anyone says; your peers, your parents, your friends, your teachers, etc…go for what YOU want to go for. Even if you may not be the best at it, if you truly love it and emerge yourself into it, then you’ll excel and your skill will improve. It’s your life, and you deserve to be happy. It doesn’t matter how “talented” you are at something…what matters is how much passion and love for it. So take that passion and love and implement it to create something truly beautiful…that’s gonna make you the best “you” that you can be. Money can’t buy happiness, folks. You deserve to be happy. So do it.

If you change…

Quote

“If you change, change ONLY for yourself, NOT to gain approval from others. Even if the change is for the ‘better,’ it means nothing unless you do it for yourself and only yourself. Don’t sacrifice your values and who you truly are for anyone because you are awesome the way you are and there are people who love you for your TRUE self; it’s not fair to those people or yourself to change that just to feel ‘accepted.’ Seeking acceptance is never the answer.”

“I’ve learned that…

Quote

“I’ve learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. I’ve learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you’ll miss them when they’re gone from your life. I’ve learned that making a ‘living’ is not the same thing as making a ‘life.’ I’ve learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. I’ve learned that you shouldn’t go through life with a catcher’s mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back. I’ve learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I’ve learned that even when I have pains, I don’t have to be one. I’ve learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I’ve learned that I still have a lot to learn. I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.

–Maya Angelou.

Feeling special…

I’m not really sure which direction this post is going to go in…this is one of those late night, insomnia, random thoughts popping into my mind kind of posts, so I apologize in advance. Hah. Sometimes I wonder what it’s like to actually feel loved, appreciated, and special. Now before you all assume I’m some sort of negative, depressed drama queen, let me clarify by saying that I know I am loved, and appreciated…by some people anyway, but that doesn’t mean I always feel that way…or ever feel that way. By my family, mostly. I know my family loves me, but my whole life, I’ve never exactly felt special to anyone in my family. My mom, dad, step dad, step mom, sisters, etc…I have a very selfish family. How I turned out as selfless as I did? I have no idea. But thank God I did.

Anyway, I feel like there selfishness has gotten in the way of actually making me feel special and appreciated by them. I feel like no one in my life has ever made sacrifices for me…I never grew up in a house where we said “I love you” or hugged, or did family activities together, or showed any sort of affection. It was like an unwritten rule…we knew we loved each other, so why did we ever have to say it. But that’s not me, though. I’m a very affectionate person. I like to spoil the people I love. I like to surprise them, I like to show AND tell them how much they mean to me…or I like the idea of that anyway. But I really don’t know how to do those things. It doing those things scares me. You see, because I grew up in a family where that sort of stuff never took place, it’s conditioned me to act awkward and fear away from showing any sort of affection towards anyone. And that’s really sad. It’s also conditioned me to not know how to react when someone shows affection to me. What if a friend, or someone else in my life tells me they love me, or that they care about me? What do I do? What do I say back? Thank you? I honestly have NO idea. And it’s really sad because now I don’t even know how to let the people I care about know that I care about them.

It kind of sucks when you grow up not feeling like you’re special to anyone. I never questioned whether my family loved me because I know they did. But growing up, having friends whose parents always did SO much extra for them, and showered them with extra affection, and surprised them with little things just because…and even now, still having friends and knowing people whose families do so much for them and with them…just little things, like planning a nice day for their birthday, or spending holidays with them, or taking them out to eat…the little things. My family never does that. We don’t really even celebrate birthdays…hell, I’m lucky if I get a “happy birthday” from my family, and the only time I get a birthday cake on my birthday is when I buy it for myself. It’s kind of silly and it sounds sort of lame, but I’ve always wanted a birthday cake with candles, with the whole “happy birthday” song thing, and blowing out my candles. I feel deprived. I don’t think I’ve gotten that since I was maybe eight years old? I usually end up spending every birthday I have sitting at home alone, or in my room alone…bored. And it’s not that my family means anything by it, but they’re just selfish, and lazy and don’t think much of it. We don’t really celebrate anything…not even once in a lifetime things, or monumental life moments. My mom won’t even take photos of me because she says; “I already know what you look like…why do I need a picture of you?” And although my parents do love me, I experienced quite a bit off verbal abuse in my house…particularly from my mother. Instead of terms of endearment, and admiration, and love..it was always very negative; “you could be better,” “you’re useless,” “you do nothing right,” “you’re a selfish bitch,” etc. I’m surprised I grew up to have the confidence I do. And it’s not that she intentionally wants to hurt me, but unfortunately she takes out all of her frustrations on me, and I guess it makes her feel better to belittle me. It still hurts nonetheless, and I kind of wish I knew how it felt to actually FEEL loved, special, and important to someone, rather than just knowing you are because thats what you SHOULD do.

This just makes me really sad because I feel like it’s kind of ruined me and I haven’t gotten to experience the life I want. I look at my friends and other people I know, and how they’ve gotten to experience everything I never got to, and it makes me a bit jealous. I’m a very independent girl, and I love that I’m okay with only having myself to rely on, but I am human, and it would be nice to feel special every once in awhile…for someone just to do nice little gestures for me every now and then because I never had that growing up. I wish my family didn’t ruin my abilities to be an affectionate person because I really am at heart; I just don’t know how to express it. It makes me feel awkward, but I’m working on that because I know how important it is to show that affection and emotion because I never had that. But in the back of my mind, I always wonder “what if this person thinks I’m so weird for saying/doing this like my family does??” It really sucks. It would just be nice to feel special and appreciated every now and then because I believe it’s a basic human right, and even if it’s not by my family…just someone in my life because we’re all entitled to feeling special and important. Because of my family, unfortunately, I am now the type of person that needs reassurance that I am appreciated and cared for, and that’s sad to me. Sometimes I feel that in my childhood and family, I really did get the short end of the stick. =/