Today was a total fail…

I don’t understand why some people think it’s acceptable or “funny” to bring other people down… especially when they’re already obviously upset. It’s really perplexing and I just don’t get how some humans can say such awful things to others for their own amusement. As stated in a previous post, I’ve been having a really tough time in my life recently and I haven’t really felt like myself. Today was probably one of the tougher days I’ve had this past month…not only was I dealing with everything going on and suffering from anxiety and panic attacks…but something else was also really negatively affecting me and overall it was just not a good day…at all.

I was sitting in my last class this afternoon; already sad, stressed, and upset, it all just became too much to bear…I started getting really emotional, so I just walked out in the middle of class and decided to go home. Now I never do this..I think it’s really disrespectful to just get up and leave in the middle of a class, but I just really felt like that would be best for me. As I was walking through the hall, I broke down and started crying. I was walking downstairs, out of the building when a group of people, three guys and two girls, started walking downstairs behind me. It was obvious that I was upset and crying and the people behind me knew it. They started talking loudly among each other purposely, so I could hear them. They started by mocking me while one guy said “aww…look at the sad little girl. Cry little white girl, cry.” then one of the girls started laughing and said “look, she be running!” they all started laughing, hooting some things I couldn’t really understand, but one of the guys mentioned how I looked “rapeable.” I finally SNAPPED. By this point, we were both already downstairs. I turned around and said “what the FUCK is your problem?!? Maybe you all should shut the fuck up and grow up,” and I stormed off. Mind you, we’re in COLLEGE. Not middle school. Not high school. College. They all looked like they were at least in their 20’s and I’m absolutely SO confused and baffled that these grown ADULTS could act like such children. That was seriously the cherry on top of an already absolutely awful day.

After that, I had to go sit down inside to cool off before I drove home because I wasn’t in the right mental mindset to operate a car. Inside, I tried to call a friend who I don’t really speak to that often, but I honestly just needed to vent and cool off. Now, I usually don’t tell most people in my life personal things or talk to them about things like this, but I needed to talk to someone. So I called her and proceeded to tell her about my awful day. She interrupted me mid-sentence and said “Jenn, Jenn, Jenn, Jenn, Jenn…sorry, but this is REALLY long…” “What?” I said. “Your story,” she said, “it’s too long.” Already pissed off, I said “sorry for bothering you.” and I hung up. Well, there’s another fiend down the drain who obviously doesn’t care about me.

Now I remember why I never tell barely anyone anything in the first place. No one cares. I just honestly am so done. With everyone and everything. Days like this make me question everyone and everything in my life. I wish I could just erase today completely. I’m tired of this shit…and I’m tired of the people in my life not being there for me when I need them. Here’s hoping tomorrow will be better…most likely not though. When will things start looking up for me again? When will I actually be able to genuinely smile and laugh again? I miss that. I’m tired of living like this.

Stop judging and stop listening to judgments…

I’ve never been one to care what other people say or think about me, but unfortunately we live in a world where some of us become so obsessed with other people’s perception of us, and what they think about us, and that’s sad. We all want to be accepted and well liked in society. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t…no one likes being disliked; it’s human nature. But we have to remember at the end of the day, other people’s opinions of us, shouldn’t matter. I’ve been exposed very openly to harsh judgement from people from a very early age, so as bad as it sounds, I’ve honestly grown accustomed to it, but it really made me realize that if I wanted to be happy, I couldn’t listen to other people’s judgments.

I’ve always liked who I am…I’ve always been proud and happy with my character. Even when I was young, I remember thinking “I think I’m nice and funny…why don’t these kids like me?” I learned from an early age that some people are just shallow and that not everyone is going to like you, and that’s okay. Sure, it’s not the best feeling in the world, and of course it made me sad; no one likes having people say rude things about them, but you just have to learn to put those mean words aside and remember, their opinions of you don’t matter. It’s my life…I don’t live to please them. Why should the way I look affect them in any way, shape, or form? Who the hell cares what you look like…appearance is probably one of the most irrelevant things in this world. It says nothing about you and who you are as your person. Your character, morals, and values are what matter…not some shell you’re born with. It’s really sad to know some people can’t see that though…that they spend they’re lives trying to please society and to look a certain way. They spend countless amounts of money in order to look “acceptable” in society’s eyes. They spend hours, and hours obsessing what these people that they don’t even know think about them. What is this?! Why does it matter?! Why change yourself to get social acceptance…why put yourself through cosmetic procedures and surgeries to that society thinks you’re “attractive?” Why can you just be you…the way God made you? Why can’t people just learn not to focus on the negative comments that people make and focus on loving yourself?

There’s always going to be someone that talks negatively about you…there’s always going to be someone who doesn’t like you. But just focus on who you are, your character, and the person you want to be. Accept and embrace your flaws because they’re apart of what makes you who you are. Who gives a crap about social acceptance, or appearance? I’ve heard it all…from having my whole class verbally bully me throughout elementary and middle school, being told that my only hope for getting married is to marry a blind guy, to random assholes making rude comments to me in public. Even some of my family has “jokingly” insulted me. Thankfully, I’ve learned to let these kinds of comments roll off my shoulder and laugh them off. I usually think insults people come up with about me are pretty hilarious, but does that make them okay? Absolutely NOT. It’s never okay to insult or criticize someone…especially based on their appearance. That’s beyond low, and it bothers me that people do that. It does’t matter if you’re just “joking,” or if that person is family, a friend, or even a random stranger. It’s NEVER okay. Some people are more sensitive to what other people say about them and could get seriously hurt or upset by someone else’s insults.

It’s discomforting to know that we live in this type of society…where some people are so shallow and think it’s okay to bash others based on appearance, but it’s just as sad that some people obsess over these comments and let it affect their lives. Yeah, it sucks, but you can’t change how people think and you’re never going to find happiness if you keep obsessing. Just be you. Do your own thing. And accept yourself for who you are. Focus on what’s actually important; once you do that, you’ll be so much happier and suddenly  people’s opinions won’t matter as much…or at all, anymore.

Believe it or not, you don’t know everything…

Just because someone may not talk about, or be as open with a certain aspect of their life, doesn’t mean that that part of their life doesn’t exist, or that it isn’t important to them. It’s important to remember that everyone is different and the things that go on inside their head may be a different process than what goes inside yours. You never know what that person has gone through in the past, or what has happened to them that you may not know about that may have caused them to act, or think, or keep private the way that they do. You should NEVER judge, or assume anything about anyone because at the end of the day, you don’t really know them. As much as you think you do, you don’t. You don’t know what goes on behind closed doors, you can’t read  their mind. All you know is what they chose to show you, and if they chose to keep a particular facet of themselves private, then they have every right to do so. Even if it is something you and most other people are open about. So instead of  jumping to conclusions and judging, or assuming that that person is being a fake or putting up a facade, maybe you should remember that you don’t know what they really feel or think about something, and that you DON’T know everything.