You know that one thing you swore wouldn’t let happen? That one thing you tried to ignore, and push aside for SO long? That thing you’ve spent your time denying? What happens when you can’t anymore? What happens when you just get tired of denying and ignoring? It’s not like I wanted it to be this way…it’s not like I wanted this to happen, but I guess you just can’t help the way you feel. And sometimes it’s best to let everything out in the open, but it’s scary, because putting it out there, could potentially make things so much worse.
Some things are better left unsaid…but some things aren’t. I’m still trying to figure out if this is one of those things. Ugh. I wish I knew.
These words could have the potential to fix or ruin a lot…
“You can never cross the ocean unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore.”
This is exactly what I didn’t want this blog to become…a place where I ramble on and rant about the negative things in my life, but honestly, my life has just been a whole lot of negative lately. I don’t have anything positive, or fun to share…and I need an outlet; somewhere I can just let it all out, so I apologize to those of my followers who didn’t follow me just to hear me rant..I hope I’ll have something fun and happy in my life to share with you all soon.
I had another panic attack this morning on my way to school, and another one last night when I was trying to fall asleep. I thought they might actually be over since that was my first one in about two days. I guess not, though. I’ve just been feeling hopeless…to the point where I feel like there’s no use in even trying anymore. Like why bother? It’s not gonna happen anyway… I hate feeling like this; it’s the worst feeling in the world. Is it too much to ask to just want to feel like myself and be happy again? Is it too much to ask to want to enjoy my life again? And is it too much to ask to want to look forward to things and be excited for life again? Apparently so…
I haven’t felt this awful in two years, I haven’t felt this low and broken since I was 19, and I haven’t had anxiety like this in SO long. I hate it. I absolutely hate it. My life was going amazingly; why did all of a sudden everything just come to one big crashing halt? It’s like one bad thing happens, and then another, and then another, to the point where I literally can’t eat, or sleep, or think straight without having bad anxiety attacks, or stressing out, or just feeling sad. I’ve literally cried every day for the past MONTH. Sometimes multiple times a day because I’m just so scared. Scared that this is my life now…scared that this is what my life has become, and I don’t like it. Not one bit.
I wish I could change it, but I can’t. I’ve tried everything, but every time I think things are getting better, it’s just a tease and they go right back down again. I’m tired of this. This isn’t me and this isn’t what my life should be. I’ve never felt this hopeless before…I wish I could say that I have faith that things will get better, but honestly I can’t…not anytime soon, anyway. I just feel things progressively getting worse. And I’m terrified. I’ve hit rock bottom…I’m officially hopeless.
1. Know yourself.
2. Understand what makes you feel great.
3. Recognize things that get you down.
4. Set goals to achieve what you want.
5. Develop trusting friendships that make you feel good.
6. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.
7. Stand up for your beliefs and values.
8. Help someone else.
9. Take responsibility for your own actions.
10. Take good care of yourself.
I don’t understand why some people think it’s acceptable or “funny” to bring other people down… especially when they’re already obviously upset. It’s really perplexing and I just don’t get how some humans can say such awful things to others for their own amusement. As stated in a previous post, I’ve been having a really tough time in my life recently and I haven’t really felt like myself. Today was probably one of the tougher days I’ve had this past month…not only was I dealing with everything going on and suffering from anxiety and panic attacks…but something else was also really negatively affecting me and overall it was just not a good day…at all.
I was sitting in my last class this afternoon; already sad, stressed, and upset, it all just became too much to bear…I started getting really emotional, so I just walked out in the middle of class and decided to go home. Now I never do this..I think it’s really disrespectful to just get up and leave in the middle of a class, but I just really felt like that would be best for me. As I was walking through the hall, I broke down and started crying. I was walking downstairs, out of the building when a group of people, three guys and two girls, started walking downstairs behind me. It was obvious that I was upset and crying and the people behind me knew it. They started talking loudly among each other purposely, so I could hear them. They started by mocking me while one guy said “aww…look at the sad little girl. Cry little white girl, cry.” then one of the girls started laughing and said “look, she be running!” they all started laughing, hooting some things I couldn’t really understand, but one of the guys mentioned how I looked “rapeable.” I finally SNAPPED. By this point, we were both already downstairs. I turned around and said “what the FUCK is your problem?!? Maybe you all should shut the fuck up and grow up,” and I stormed off. Mind you, we’re in COLLEGE. Not middle school. Not high school. College. They all looked like they were at least in their 20’s and I’m absolutely SO confused and baffled that these grown ADULTS could act like such children. That was seriously the cherry on top of an already absolutely awful day.
After that, I had to go sit down inside to cool off before I drove home because I wasn’t in the right mental mindset to operate a car. Inside, I tried to call a friend who I don’t really speak to that often, but I honestly just needed to vent and cool off. Now, I usually don’t tell most people in my life personal things or talk to them about things like this, but I needed to talk to someone. So I called her and proceeded to tell her about my awful day. She interrupted me mid-sentence and said “Jenn, Jenn, Jenn, Jenn, Jenn…sorry, but this is REALLY long…” “What?” I said. “Your story,” she said, “it’s too long.” Already pissed off, I said “sorry for bothering you.” and I hung up. Well, there’s another fiend down the drain who obviously doesn’t care about me.
Now I remember why I never tell barely anyone anything in the first place. No one cares. I just honestly am so done. With everyone and everything. Days like this make me question everyone and everything in my life. I wish I could just erase today completely. I’m tired of this shit…and I’m tired of the people in my life not being there for me when I need them. Here’s hoping tomorrow will be better…most likely not though. When will things start looking up for me again? When will I actually be able to genuinely smile and laugh again? I miss that. I’m tired of living like this.