I hope you all are having an AMAZING Thanksgiving! Or at least better than mine. Ha. Thanksgiving has ALWAYS been one of my favorite holidays, but this year, not so much. I had to work all day because apparently Starbucks is LITERALLY the only place that stays open for Thanksgiving…why? I have no idea. But that was actually the HIGHLIGHT of my day because at least I got to spend it with my coworkers, whom I do enjoy. After work things went downhill…my family is really boring and isn’t really into celebrating holidays, so when they learned I was working, my mom took that opportunity to not have to cook a Thanksgiving dinner, so I spent the other half of my day alone, in my room. It’s now 9:30pm and I haven’t even eaten anything since I ate breakfast at work at 10:30am because there’s no food in my house and every grocery store and restaurant is closed. It would have been nice to at least spend the rest of my Thanksgiving with friends, but they’re all busy with their REAL Thanksgiving festivities. So I guess I’ll just chill by myself and remember that I guess I do have a lot to be Thankful for even though I’m feeling left out, blown off, and forgotten about now. Anyway, I didn’t post this to complain, or mope, or throw myself a pity party…I just wanted to wish everyone reading this a very Happy Thanksgiving and to remind you all to remember what matters the most and be thankful for all that you have, even when you’re feeling down. I hope you all got to spend your day with the people you love. <33
Don’t emotionally push away the people who care most. If they ask if something’s wrong, tell them. If they ask if you’re okay, speak up and say that you’re not. If they push you to talk to them and open up to them, then do it. Deep down, you know the ones who truly care about you the most, so trust them, not the bystanders that you use to distract yourself from whatever you’re going through; not the acquaintances that don’t truly know the TRUE and complete you. No matter how many deep conversations you have with them, no matter how much you open up to them, they’ll never understand you, or care for you the way that the people who truly matter in your life do. Sure, they may offer decent support, lend a ear to listen, and offer good advice…but they don’t care like you want them to. It’s not fair to the people who truly want to help, and truly care SO much about you and your happiness, the people who would give their lives for you, to brush them to the side for these bystanders who aren’t truly there for you with everything they have. Let the people who actually want in, in. Let them help you. Let them be there for you. Let them care about you. Because that’s what they’re there for. They’re begging for it, and want to be there for you more than anything. Don’t ignore them. Don’t brush them off. Let them in. Because they matter the most.
I’m not really sure which direction this post is going to go in…this is one of those late night, insomnia, random thoughts popping into my mind kind of posts, so I apologize in advance. Hah. Sometimes I wonder what it’s like to actually feel loved, appreciated, and special. Now before you all assume I’m some sort of negative, depressed drama queen, let me clarify by saying that I know I am loved, and appreciated…by some people anyway, but that doesn’t mean I always feel that way…or ever feel that way. By my family, mostly. I know my family loves me, but my whole life, I’ve never exactly felt special to anyone in my family. My mom, dad, step dad, step mom, sisters, etc…I have a very selfish family. How I turned out as selfless as I did? I have no idea. But thank God I did.
Anyway, I feel like there selfishness has gotten in the way of actually making me feel special and appreciated by them. I feel like no one in my life has ever made sacrifices for me…I never grew up in a house where we said “I love you” or hugged, or did family activities together, or showed any sort of affection. It was like an unwritten rule…we knew we loved each other, so why did we ever have to say it. But that’s not me, though. I’m a very affectionate person. I like to spoil the people I love. I like to surprise them, I like to show AND tell them how much they mean to me…or I like the idea of that anyway. But I really don’t know how to do those things. It doing those things scares me. You see, because I grew up in a family where that sort of stuff never took place, it’s conditioned me to act awkward and fear away from showing any sort of affection towards anyone. And that’s really sad. It’s also conditioned me to not know how to react when someone shows affection to me. What if a friend, or someone else in my life tells me they love me, or that they care about me? What do I do? What do I say back? Thank you? I honestly have NO idea. And it’s really sad because now I don’t even know how to let the people I care about know that I care about them.
It kind of sucks when you grow up not feeling like you’re special to anyone. I never questioned whether my family loved me because I know they did. But growing up, having friends whose parents always did SO much extra for them, and showered them with extra affection, and surprised them with little things just because…and even now, still having friends and knowing people whose families do so much for them and with them…just little things, like planning a nice day for their birthday, or spending holidays with them, or taking them out to eat…the little things. My family never does that. We don’t really even celebrate birthdays…hell, I’m lucky if I get a “happy birthday” from my family, and the only time I get a birthday cake on my birthday is when I buy it for myself. It’s kind of silly and it sounds sort of lame, but I’ve always wanted a birthday cake with candles, with the whole “happy birthday” song thing, and blowing out my candles. I feel deprived. I don’t think I’ve gotten that since I was maybe eight years old? I usually end up spending every birthday I have sitting at home alone, or in my room alone…bored. And it’s not that my family means anything by it, but they’re just selfish, and lazy and don’t think much of it. We don’t really celebrate anything…not even once in a lifetime things, or monumental life moments. My mom won’t even take photos of me because she says; “I already know what you look like…why do I need a picture of you?” And although my parents do love me, I experienced quite a bit off verbal abuse in my house…particularly from my mother. Instead of terms of endearment, and admiration, and love..it was always very negative; “you could be better,” “you’re useless,” “you do nothing right,” “you’re a selfish bitch,” etc. I’m surprised I grew up to have the confidence I do. And it’s not that she intentionally wants to hurt me, but unfortunately she takes out all of her frustrations on me, and I guess it makes her feel better to belittle me. It still hurts nonetheless, and I kind of wish I knew how it felt to actually FEEL loved, special, and important to someone, rather than just knowing you are because thats what you SHOULD do.
This just makes me really sad because I feel like it’s kind of ruined me and I haven’t gotten to experience the life I want. I look at my friends and other people I know, and how they’ve gotten to experience everything I never got to, and it makes me a bit jealous. I’m a very independent girl, and I love that I’m okay with only having myself to rely on, but I am human, and it would be nice to feel special every once in awhile…for someone just to do nice little gestures for me every now and then because I never had that growing up. I wish my family didn’t ruin my abilities to be an affectionate person because I really am at heart; I just don’t know how to express it. It makes me feel awkward, but I’m working on that because I know how important it is to show that affection and emotion because I never had that. But in the back of my mind, I always wonder “what if this person thinks I’m so weird for saying/doing this like my family does??” It really sucks. It would just be nice to feel special and appreciated every now and then because I believe it’s a basic human right, and even if it’s not by my family…just someone in my life because we’re all entitled to feeling special and important. Because of my family, unfortunately, I am now the type of person that needs reassurance that I am appreciated and cared for, and that’s sad to me. Sometimes I feel that in my childhood and family, I really did get the short end of the stick. =/
Okay, so I missed yesterday’s post, I know, but in my defense I wasn’t home at all, allll day. Sooo, yeah. I’m doing both days today! :))
Day 5: Your day in great detail:
So because this was supposed to be yesterday’s topic, I’ll talk about my day yesterday!
So I woke up pretty early, showered, got dressed, etc, and went to Old Time Pottery to exchange a picture frame I had picked up for a friend because I bought the wrong size. They didn’t have a frame in the appropriate size, so I went to Wal-Mart, and then Target, where I finally found a nice frame in size that would work. I had plans to go to Disney with my friend later on that day, but I still had a few hours to kill before I had to meet him after he got off work, so I walked around Target for a little bit, got an iced coffee, then went to check out the new Marshall’s that opened earlier on in the week. Finally, it was time to meet my friend, so I drove to his house, and me, him, and his dad left for Epcot. His dad missed our exit, though, and we ended up driving all the way to Orlando taking nothing but sketchy dirt back roads that probably host the homes to psycho serial killers and the type of people most horror movies are about. We also passed a huge mansion, cows, horses, a mulch factory, and learned that even Florida could be home to pretty trees, and big open, hilly fields…who knew?! We FINALLY made it to Epcot, three hours later, rode Spaceship Earth, and met up with the rest of his family in Mexico and had dinner at this Mexican restaurant. It was very good! I had tortilla soup…I wasn’t sure how I would like it, but it was REALLY yummy! After, we just walked around the other countries, took pictures (which I’ll include below!), and watched the fireworks show. Then we drove back to my friends house…without getting lost this time, and I got in my car, and drove home. By the time I got back to my house it was just after midnight, so I watched some TV and went on the internet for a bit, and fell asleep around 3am.
Here are some pictures from yesterday! :))
Day 6: Top five pet peeves:
Okay, so I’m not sure if this would be considered my top five…but these are the first five that come to mind. lol.
- Rudeness/inconsiderate/judgemental/arrogant people. Yes this counts as one pet peeve. I CANNOT stand people like that. It literally makes my blood boil. I do NOT understand those mindsets.
- When people leave me in the dark as to what’s going on. I just hate not knowing, and not being given the information I need when they clearly know it.
- Bad grammar. Haha.
- When people lie to my face when I CLEARLY know they are lying. How stupid do you think I am?!
- Close mindedness.
So yeah, those are the first few that came to mind…I’m sure there’s other things that bother me, but it’s surprisingly difficult to think of things on the spot! haha.
It’s funny how things that happen in our past and childhood can condition the way we think, or how we act, even into adulthood. It’s crazy that even as a 22 year old college student, the things I experienced in elementary and middle school still affect my mindset today. Growing up as a child, I didn’t have tons of friends. I was bullied pretty badly, and although it’s been 10+ years since I went through that, I still am kind of weird about meeting new people. I’m not shy in the least bit, and I love meeting people, but, when it comes to initiating a friendship, in the back of my mind I still find myself thinking “what if this person doesn’t want to be my friend and is only being nice to me because they don’t want to be rude?” “What if I annoy this person?” “What if asking this person to hangout is overstepping my boundaries?”
Now, I’m much better than I used to be, and I really don’t have that problem anymore. I’m much more confident than I was in high school and even my first couple years of college…and I don’t really have a problem with initiating friendships. BUT, now, the main issue lies in once I’ve already established a friendship with someone. See, I’m notorious for having pretty crappy friends…there’s only a VERY select few people I’ve ever had in my life that I would actually consider a good, and real friend. Hence, why I’m so guarded now. In my past, some of these “friends” I’ve had would actually be extremely mean to me, talk to me like crap, use me, and really hurt my feelings. I remember friends telling me to stop asking them to hang out, or to stop calling them because I was “clingy” for wanting to hangout with them and that they “had enough of me,” and I was “annoying.” Mind you, this was coming from the person I considered my best friend. Since then, I’m always worried about coming across as annoying to my friends. I never want to lose a friendship because they thought I was annoying to too clingy again because it really does feel awful.
You see, because of events from my childhood, I always have this fear that the people I’m close to always mean more to me, than I do to them. It it’s pretty humiliating once you find out that you obviously didn’t mean as much to them as they did to you. So in order for that not to happen, I have a tendency to pretend like I don’t care about the people in my life as much as I really do. I get awkward and I don’t tend to let them know how much they truly mean to me. I back off and become passive and let them take the initiative to talk to me, hangout with me, etc. because I have this idiotic mindset that if they wanted to see me or talk to me, they would. And I do this with everyone. Even the people closest to me, who I know actually really do care about me a lot. It still scares me that they mean more to me. I don’t want to ever overstep my boundaries with someone, so I guess I just understep them, if that makes sense. And that’s bad. Really bad. Because eventually my friends are going to think I don’t care about them, or that they care more about me than I do them, when that’s actually not the case at all. And then they’ll either getting up hurt, like my childhood friends hurt me, or they’ll just get tired of being friends with someone they think doesn’t care and just remove themselves from my life. And I don’t want that. And it’s weird…the closer I am with someone, the worse I am, and the more I try to pretend I don’t care.
I guess maybe I’m just a little scared of being unguarded and growing close to someone. And I wish I wasn’t. See what I’ve done here? I’ve created such a mess. And I need to stop. I need to forget about my childhood and not let the bad people in my life back then affect the way I think today. Because I’m DEFINITELY not the same person I was back then. At all. I’m a million times more confident, mature, and happy and I need to change that stupid, stupid mindset. And I’m trying to. I’m working on it. And I’m trying to make an effort, no matter how uncomfortable it makes me at first. And I do see myself improving. I’ll get there.
Sometimes you have to put yourself into the other person’s shoes and think “how is this making them feel?” “how is this affecting them?” Sometimes it’s not all about you, and you have to think of how your actions are affecting those around you…especially those close to you. We need to realize our actions do have a huge effect on the people in our lives. Stop and think about it.