Coming to terms with the fact that one of the things that you want more than anything will probably never happen, is one of the hardest things…so hard, in fact, that I don’t think I’ll ever be able to lose hope for it. It just sucks because part of me knows I’m wasting my time waiting for pigs to fly, but I want this. SO badly. And I feel so strongly that this is right for me, but so far, it doesn’t look like it’s ever going to happen…and that scares me.
It’s kind of crazy how sometimes you don’t even realize you feel a certain way until you’re placed into a situation where it’s almost too late, and suddenly you’re left feeling confused, scared, and with not knowing what to do. I guess all this time I was just happy with how everything was going…I was content and I never really thought deep into it. But then after upon hearing some news that I never even thought would bother me, I became a little sad, and hurt in a way. I never even knew that I felt the way I do this whole time, but I guess after a reality check and being forced into this situation, I realized how I really felt. But like I said, it’s almost too late to do anything about it. And even if I do, what’s gonna happen? Is it even worth it?
I just don’t know. I’ve never been so confused and I have NO idea what I should do. I have to do something quick, though, before it’s too late. This is so scary. =/
I’ve touched lightly on this topic a few times on my blog, and here I am with another vague post regarding it. Honestly, I just need to vent again, and I really have no one in my personal life I can talk about this to. Well, maybe I do. But I’m just scared to. It’s super personal to me. And super scary. But I feel like I’m lying to myself, and like I’m hiding something..because I pretty much am. And I really wish I could come clean, but a bad reaction would be even worse than feeling how I feel now. I just hate not knowing. I wish I knew if the reaction would be a bad one. I feel like this is right and this is how it’s supposed to be. But that doesn’t always mean it is. Is it worth doing something about? It’s not worth the potential risk…nothing is. But at the same time, nothing will ever happen if I never do anything about it. And I can’t keep wondering and not knowing. Living like this is killing me. I have to fess up, but I really don’t know if I should. If I come clean, and ruin what I’m so scared to in the process, I’ll be so upset. I just wish this didn’t have to be so complicated. I wish my brain didn’t have to go and change the way I feel. I wish that I didn’t feel the way I do. But it’s one of those things I can’t control. The ball is in my court and I’m SO confused. I literally have no idea what I should do. God, please help me. Help me make the right decision that’s best for me. My thoughts are telling me two different things and I don’t know which one to listen to.
It’s funny how things that happen in our past and childhood can condition the way we think, or how we act, even into adulthood. It’s crazy that even as a 22 year old college student, the things I experienced in elementary and middle school still affect my mindset today. Growing up as a child, I didn’t have tons of friends. I was bullied pretty badly, and although it’s been 10+ years since I went through that, I still am kind of weird about meeting new people. I’m not shy in the least bit, and I love meeting people, but, when it comes to initiating a friendship, in the back of my mind I still find myself thinking “what if this person doesn’t want to be my friend and is only being nice to me because they don’t want to be rude?” “What if I annoy this person?” “What if asking this person to hangout is overstepping my boundaries?”
Now, I’m much better than I used to be, and I really don’t have that problem anymore. I’m much more confident than I was in high school and even my first couple years of college…and I don’t really have a problem with initiating friendships. BUT, now, the main issue lies in once I’ve already established a friendship with someone. See, I’m notorious for having pretty crappy friends…there’s only a VERY select few people I’ve ever had in my life that I would actually consider a good, and real friend. Hence, why I’m so guarded now. In my past, some of these “friends” I’ve had would actually be extremely mean to me, talk to me like crap, use me, and really hurt my feelings. I remember friends telling me to stop asking them to hang out, or to stop calling them because I was “clingy” for wanting to hangout with them and that they “had enough of me,” and I was “annoying.” Mind you, this was coming from the person I considered my best friend. Since then, I’m always worried about coming across as annoying to my friends. I never want to lose a friendship because they thought I was annoying to too clingy again because it really does feel awful.
You see, because of events from my childhood, I always have this fear that the people I’m close to always mean more to me, than I do to them. It it’s pretty humiliating once you find out that you obviously didn’t mean as much to them as they did to you. So in order for that not to happen, I have a tendency to pretend like I don’t care about the people in my life as much as I really do. I get awkward and I don’t tend to let them know how much they truly mean to me. I back off and become passive and let them take the initiative to talk to me, hangout with me, etc. because I have this idiotic mindset that if they wanted to see me or talk to me, they would. And I do this with everyone. Even the people closest to me, who I know actually really do care about me a lot. It still scares me that they mean more to me. I don’t want to ever overstep my boundaries with someone, so I guess I just understep them, if that makes sense. And that’s bad. Really bad. Because eventually my friends are going to think I don’t care about them, or that they care more about me than I do them, when that’s actually not the case at all. And then they’ll either getting up hurt, like my childhood friends hurt me, or they’ll just get tired of being friends with someone they think doesn’t care and just remove themselves from my life. And I don’t want that. And it’s weird…the closer I am with someone, the worse I am, and the more I try to pretend I don’t care.
I guess maybe I’m just a little scared of being unguarded and growing close to someone. And I wish I wasn’t. See what I’ve done here? I’ve created such a mess. And I need to stop. I need to forget about my childhood and not let the bad people in my life back then affect the way I think today. Because I’m DEFINITELY not the same person I was back then. At all. I’m a million times more confident, mature, and happy and I need to change that stupid, stupid mindset. And I’m trying to. I’m working on it. And I’m trying to make an effort, no matter how uncomfortable it makes me at first. And I do see myself improving. I’ll get there.
What do you do when it all changes? When suddenly the way you feel or think about a certain situation causes you to see things differently? When something you thought you didn’t want suddenly becomes something you do want and you start wanting something you didn’t think you did? What happens then? It’s confusing as hell, that’s what. I wish it wasn’t so complicated. I wish I didn’t want this, but the truth is, I do. And I have for a while now, but I’ve just been living in denial because I so badly didn’t want to feel the way I do, or want this. And to be completely honest, I still don’t want to want this, or feel this way, but I really can’t change that I do. I can’t help it. So I guess I just have to accept the fact that this is what I want. So this is me saying, yes, I do feel this way, and no, I can’t help it, and this is what I want. But this is where it gets scary because now I don’t know what to do about actually getting what I want. Because that would mean facing a HUGE fear.
Okay, so lately…I honestly don’t even know. It sucks hiding something for so long; having a huge secret. I’ve carried this with me for a while now, and at first it was super easy to hide, being that I didn’t even want to feel the way I do. I was simply living in denial. And I was very happy with how things were, anyway. But now, I’m totally out of being in denial. I’ve come to the conclusion that this is how I feel…whether I want to feel this way or not, I do, and I guess I just have to accept that. And suddenly what I have, isn’t enough. You see, some things have changed…a lot, actually. And I miss SO terribly what has changed. And I want it back. And maybe it’s my fault. I wanted to keep this a secret so badly, that in the process, it may have come across as me not caring, or me pushing away. Because I didn’t want it to show that I actually do care. So that I don’t get hurt. But honestly, I’m just scared. But I’m tired of keeping a secret. It’s becoming painful to hold to keep it. Reflecting on how things used to be hurts. And sometimes I really consider coming clean…about everything. Spilling it all out and taking this HUGE weight off my shoulders. But I’m terrified because I know I’m not going to get the result I’m longing after. But maybe I’ll feel better if I come clean? Or maybe I’ll just live in regret for ruining something extremely important to me. I just miss how things used to be. I miss when what I had was enough to keep me happy even though it wasn’t fully what I wanted. Now I’m just left feeling hurt. And I have no idea what to do. Help me. How the hell am I supposed to reveal this huge secret?? It could change everything…maybe for the better, but probably for the worse…on my part, anyway. I’m so scared.