I hope you all are having an AMAZING Thanksgiving! Or at least better than mine. Ha. Thanksgiving has ALWAYS been one of my favorite holidays, but this year, not so much. I had to work all day because apparently Starbucks is LITERALLY the only place that stays open for Thanksgiving…why? I have no idea. But that was actually the HIGHLIGHT of my day because at least I got to spend it with my coworkers, whom I do enjoy. After work things went downhill…my family is really boring and isn’t really into celebrating holidays, so when they learned I was working, my mom took that opportunity to not have to cook a Thanksgiving dinner, so I spent the other half of my day alone, in my room. It’s now 9:30pm and I haven’t even eaten anything since I ate breakfast at work at 10:30am because there’s no food in my house and every grocery store and restaurant is closed. It would have been nice to at least spend the rest of my Thanksgiving with friends, but they’re all busy with their REAL Thanksgiving festivities. So I guess I’ll just chill by myself and remember that I guess I do have a lot to be Thankful for even though I’m feeling left out, blown off, and forgotten about now. Anyway, I didn’t post this to complain, or mope, or throw myself a pity party…I just wanted to wish everyone reading this a very Happy Thanksgiving and to remind you all to remember what matters the most and be thankful for all that you have, even when you’re feeling down. I hope you all got to spend your day with the people you love. <33
I’m not really sure which direction this post is going to go in…this is one of those late night, insomnia, random thoughts popping into my mind kind of posts, so I apologize in advance. Hah. Sometimes I wonder what it’s like to actually feel loved, appreciated, and special. Now before you all assume I’m some sort of negative, depressed drama queen, let me clarify by saying that I know I am loved, and appreciated…by some people anyway, but that doesn’t mean I always feel that way…or ever feel that way. By my family, mostly. I know my family loves me, but my whole life, I’ve never exactly felt special to anyone in my family. My mom, dad, step dad, step mom, sisters, etc…I have a very selfish family. How I turned out as selfless as I did? I have no idea. But thank God I did.
Anyway, I feel like there selfishness has gotten in the way of actually making me feel special and appreciated by them. I feel like no one in my life has ever made sacrifices for me…I never grew up in a house where we said “I love you” or hugged, or did family activities together, or showed any sort of affection. It was like an unwritten rule…we knew we loved each other, so why did we ever have to say it. But that’s not me, though. I’m a very affectionate person. I like to spoil the people I love. I like to surprise them, I like to show AND tell them how much they mean to me…or I like the idea of that anyway. But I really don’t know how to do those things. It doing those things scares me. You see, because I grew up in a family where that sort of stuff never took place, it’s conditioned me to act awkward and fear away from showing any sort of affection towards anyone. And that’s really sad. It’s also conditioned me to not know how to react when someone shows affection to me. What if a friend, or someone else in my life tells me they love me, or that they care about me? What do I do? What do I say back? Thank you? I honestly have NO idea. And it’s really sad because now I don’t even know how to let the people I care about know that I care about them.
It kind of sucks when you grow up not feeling like you’re special to anyone. I never questioned whether my family loved me because I know they did. But growing up, having friends whose parents always did SO much extra for them, and showered them with extra affection, and surprised them with little things just because…and even now, still having friends and knowing people whose families do so much for them and with them…just little things, like planning a nice day for their birthday, or spending holidays with them, or taking them out to eat…the little things. My family never does that. We don’t really even celebrate birthdays…hell, I’m lucky if I get a “happy birthday” from my family, and the only time I get a birthday cake on my birthday is when I buy it for myself. It’s kind of silly and it sounds sort of lame, but I’ve always wanted a birthday cake with candles, with the whole “happy birthday” song thing, and blowing out my candles. I feel deprived. I don’t think I’ve gotten that since I was maybe eight years old? I usually end up spending every birthday I have sitting at home alone, or in my room alone…bored. And it’s not that my family means anything by it, but they’re just selfish, and lazy and don’t think much of it. We don’t really celebrate anything…not even once in a lifetime things, or monumental life moments. My mom won’t even take photos of me because she says; “I already know what you look like…why do I need a picture of you?” And although my parents do love me, I experienced quite a bit off verbal abuse in my house…particularly from my mother. Instead of terms of endearment, and admiration, and love..it was always very negative; “you could be better,” “you’re useless,” “you do nothing right,” “you’re a selfish bitch,” etc. I’m surprised I grew up to have the confidence I do. And it’s not that she intentionally wants to hurt me, but unfortunately she takes out all of her frustrations on me, and I guess it makes her feel better to belittle me. It still hurts nonetheless, and I kind of wish I knew how it felt to actually FEEL loved, special, and important to someone, rather than just knowing you are because thats what you SHOULD do.
This just makes me really sad because I feel like it’s kind of ruined me and I haven’t gotten to experience the life I want. I look at my friends and other people I know, and how they’ve gotten to experience everything I never got to, and it makes me a bit jealous. I’m a very independent girl, and I love that I’m okay with only having myself to rely on, but I am human, and it would be nice to feel special every once in awhile…for someone just to do nice little gestures for me every now and then because I never had that growing up. I wish my family didn’t ruin my abilities to be an affectionate person because I really am at heart; I just don’t know how to express it. It makes me feel awkward, but I’m working on that because I know how important it is to show that affection and emotion because I never had that. But in the back of my mind, I always wonder “what if this person thinks I’m so weird for saying/doing this like my family does??” It really sucks. It would just be nice to feel special and appreciated every now and then because I believe it’s a basic human right, and even if it’s not by my family…just someone in my life because we’re all entitled to feeling special and important. Because of my family, unfortunately, I am now the type of person that needs reassurance that I am appreciated and cared for, and that’s sad to me. Sometimes I feel that in my childhood and family, I really did get the short end of the stick. =/
Sometimes you have to put yourself into the other person’s shoes and think “how is this making them feel?” “how is this affecting them?” Sometimes it’s not all about you, and you have to think of how your actions are affecting those around you…especially those close to you. We need to realize our actions do have a huge effect on the people in our lives. Stop and think about it.
Family…most people hear this word and automatically think the most important people in their life, their rock, the people they can trust most, support system. But not me. Not at all. See, I’ve never had a great relationship with my family and I’ve never been all that close to them. For me, just because I was born into this family doesn’t automatically make them more important, or better than anyone else in my life. That may sound bad to a lot of you, but that’s really how I see it. Just because you were born into these people’s lives doesn’t mean they have your best interests at heart, or that they know you any better than everyone else in your life. For me, it’s actually quite the opposite. I trust my family the least. For one, they all have big mouths and like to start feuds and arguments, and they simply just get in my way. They’re a dead-end in my life path. Everyone in my family has this “ideal” image of what they want me to be…of this person they want me to be, and because I’m not that person, and I’m not going to be that person, there is a lot of tension between us.
See, I was raised to be someone completely different that who I am. I was raised to be judgmental, racist, bitchy, close minded, and to act rudely towards people. Anyone who has ever met me can vouch that this is not who I am at all. I’m the polar opposite of this, and because I’ve chosen to be independent and to be my own person, it causes a lot of apprehension between us. I don’t like that I have to run every decision I make in life through them…why can’t I just do it; no questions asked, without being judged, ridiculed, and criticized? If I wanted to hear from you, or wanted your opinion, I would have asked you. I’m almost 22 years old…I’m an adult; I don’t need a road block.
I’m not saying I don’t love my family; of course I do. But my point is this, I don’t believe that family should automatically be considered the most important people in your life; sure they’re important, but who’s to say other people aren’t just as important? You can’t pick your family…you can’t pick these people who’s lives you we’re born into; that society places the stigma of shaping you as a person, or being “the most important people in your life.” I think the important people in your life should be the ones you can trust, the ones you can count on, the ones who do accept you for who you really are…not the ones who just share the same bloodline as you. For some people, that might be your family…and that’s fine. Maybe you’re closer to your family for whatever reason, and that’s fine, but for me, not the case. Unlike most people, my family really hasn’t been an influence in the person I am or the person I want to be at all…if anything they taught me the person I don’t want to be. I don’t want to be like anyone in my family…and I’m not. I am my own person and I have only myself and other outside influences to thank for that; but not my family, and I’m okay with that. My family hasn’t shaped me into the person I am today; I shaped this persona all on my own thanks to my own life experiences and influences and I like who I am, so I wouldn’t change anything. Like I said, yes, I do love my family, but honestly, they aren’t everything to me and I don’t credit them with shaping me as a person. And I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that.
Today was my dad’s 50th birthday, so I gave him a call this afternoon to wish him a happy birthday like I do every year. We started talking about life and how I’m doing and the subject of school came up, as it always does and he started asking me about my plans after I get my AA and transfer after this semester. I told him the same thing I always tell him; that I want to major in mass communications. He then proceeded to ask me what I want to do with that degree…or what I could do with that degree. I told him that I wasn’t sure yet, but there was a lot I could do with it. I mentioned something in the media, journalism, film industry…something along those lines. Now by this point, I already expected what was coming next because he always mentions this whenever we talk about my schooling or career choice. He told me, “you know, I just don’t feel like that’s a very practical choice. Have you considered doing something else? Those fields are extremely hard to get into and chances are, you’re going to have a useless degree that you can’t do anything with. I still really think you should consider the medical industry. You’d be so good at it because you could relate to the patents. Or a teacher. You’re so good with kids!” Now excuse me while I breakdown everything that’s wrong with that statement;
- Mass communications is a very practical degree…there are SO many possible fields and career options for a mass communications degree.
- I really doubt that I’m going to end up without a good job because my degree is “pointless.” I’m smarter than that…give me some credit, here.
- I will never, ever, ever, EVER do anyyyything in the medical industry. I basically grew up in doctor’s offices and hospitals. I can’t stand them. The smell, and overall feeling of being in one makes my stomach turn in the most horrific way. If I had to work in one every day, I’d be extremely depressed. Yes, I’d LOVE to help people, but I want to do that in my own way…a different way. I can still help people, and make an impact in people’s lives without anything related to medical.
- I’m AWFUL at math…seriously AWFUL. I’m pretty sure I’m mentally incapable of learning it, and I’m determined to prove that there’s an actual mental illness that makes it impossible to learn anything mathematical. hah. My point, though, in order to work in the medical field, you need to know a lot of math, and ten years of schooling with basically nothing but math and science sounds like a living hell…I don’t think I’d ever graduate. haha.
My point is this, I absolutely can’t stand when people tell me what I should do with my future. It’s my future, and my life, and I’ll do what I want with it. I have every right to follow my dreams and pursue my goals. Maybe I wont be some big-time magazine editor. Maybe I won’t write for a major newspaper/magazine. Maybe I wont be some famous producer, or a famous reporter. Maybe my work won’t reach a global or national audience, whatever it is I end up doing. But you know what, maybe I will! I’ll never know if I don’t at least try. And if I don’t, that’s okay, too. As long as I’m doing something that I have fun with, and love, and truly enjoy…that’s all that matters. I just want to be happy, and the only way for that to happen is to listen to myself and follow my dreams, and my goals…not what someone wants me to do, or tells me what they think I should do. You can’t live your life trying to please others, or listen to their view on what they think your life should be. It’s not their life to live; it’s yours, so live it the way you want to live it. Screw what other people say or think…even if those people are your family. You have every right to live your own life and you shouldn’t let anyone hold you back from whatever makes you happiest.