Let the people who actually care about you the most, care…

Don’t emotionally push away the people who care most. If they ask if something’s wrong, tell them. If they ask if you’re okay, speak up and say that you’re not. If they push you to talk to them and open up to them, then do it. Deep down, you know the ones who truly care about you the most, so trust them, not the bystanders that you use to distract yourself from whatever you’re going through; not the acquaintances that don’t truly know the TRUE and complete you. No matter how many deep conversations you have with them, no matter how much you open up to them, they’ll never understand you, or care for you the way that the people who truly matter in your life do. Sure, they may offer decent support, lend a ear to listen, and offer good advice…but they don’t care like you want them to. It’s not fair to the people who truly want to help, and truly care SO much about you and your happiness, the people who would give their lives for you, to brush them to the side for these bystanders who aren’t truly there for you with everything they have. Let the people who actually want in, in. Let them help you. Let them be there for you. Let them care about you. Because that’s what they’re there for. They’re begging for it, and want to be there for you more than anything. Don’t ignore them. Don’t brush them off. Let them in. Because they matter the most.

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Feeling special…

I’m not really sure which direction this post is going to go in…this is one of those late night, insomnia, random thoughts popping into my mind kind of posts, so I apologize in advance. Hah. Sometimes I wonder what it’s like to actually feel loved, appreciated, and special. Now before you all assume I’m some sort of negative, depressed drama queen, let me clarify by saying that I know I am loved, and appreciated…by some people anyway, but that doesn’t mean I always feel that way…or ever feel that way. By my family, mostly. I know my family loves me, but my whole life, I’ve never exactly felt special to anyone in my family. My mom, dad, step dad, step mom, sisters, etc…I have a very selfish family. How I turned out as selfless as I did? I have no idea. But thank God I did.

Anyway, I feel like there selfishness has gotten in the way of actually making me feel special and appreciated by them. I feel like no one in my life has ever made sacrifices for me…I never grew up in a house where we said “I love you” or hugged, or did family activities together, or showed any sort of affection. It was like an unwritten rule…we knew we loved each other, so why did we ever have to say it. But that’s not me, though. I’m a very affectionate person. I like to spoil the people I love. I like to surprise them, I like to show AND tell them how much they mean to me…or I like the idea of that anyway. But I really don’t know how to do those things. It doing those things scares me. You see, because I grew up in a family where that sort of stuff never took place, it’s conditioned me to act awkward and fear away from showing any sort of affection towards anyone. And that’s really sad. It’s also conditioned me to not know how to react when someone shows affection to me. What if a friend, or someone else in my life tells me they love me, or that they care about me? What do I do? What do I say back? Thank you? I honestly have NO idea. And it’s really sad because now I don’t even know how to let the people I care about know that I care about them.

It kind of sucks when you grow up not feeling like you’re special to anyone. I never questioned whether my family loved me because I know they did. But growing up, having friends whose parents always did SO much extra for them, and showered them with extra affection, and surprised them with little things just because…and even now, still having friends and knowing people whose families do so much for them and with them…just little things, like planning a nice day for their birthday, or spending holidays with them, or taking them out to eat…the little things. My family never does that. We don’t really even celebrate birthdays…hell, I’m lucky if I get a “happy birthday” from my family, and the only time I get a birthday cake on my birthday is when I buy it for myself. It’s kind of silly and it sounds sort of lame, but I’ve always wanted a birthday cake with candles, with the whole “happy birthday” song thing, and blowing out my candles. I feel deprived. I don’t think I’ve gotten that since I was maybe eight years old? I usually end up spending every birthday I have sitting at home alone, or in my room alone…bored. And it’s not that my family means anything by it, but they’re just selfish, and lazy and don’t think much of it. We don’t really celebrate anything…not even once in a lifetime things, or monumental life moments. My mom won’t even take photos of me because she says; “I already know what you look like…why do I need a picture of you?” And although my parents do love me, I experienced quite a bit off verbal abuse in my house…particularly from my mother. Instead of terms of endearment, and admiration, and love..it was always very negative; “you could be better,” “you’re useless,” “you do nothing right,” “you’re a selfish bitch,” etc. I’m surprised I grew up to have the confidence I do. And it’s not that she intentionally wants to hurt me, but unfortunately she takes out all of her frustrations on me, and I guess it makes her feel better to belittle me. It still hurts nonetheless, and I kind of wish I knew how it felt to actually FEEL loved, special, and important to someone, rather than just knowing you are because thats what you SHOULD do.

This just makes me really sad because I feel like it’s kind of ruined me and I haven’t gotten to experience the life I want. I look at my friends and other people I know, and how they’ve gotten to experience everything I never got to, and it makes me a bit jealous. I’m a very independent girl, and I love that I’m okay with only having myself to rely on, but I am human, and it would be nice to feel special every once in awhile…for someone just to do nice little gestures for me every now and then because I never had that growing up. I wish my family didn’t ruin my abilities to be an affectionate person because I really am at heart; I just don’t know how to express it. It makes me feel awkward, but I’m working on that because I know how important it is to show that affection and emotion because I never had that. But in the back of my mind, I always wonder “what if this person thinks I’m so weird for saying/doing this like my family does??” It really sucks. It would just be nice to feel special and appreciated every now and then because I believe it’s a basic human right, and even if it’s not by my family…just someone in my life because we’re all entitled to feeling special and important. Because of my family, unfortunately, I am now the type of person that needs reassurance that I am appreciated and cared for, and that’s sad to me. Sometimes I feel that in my childhood and family, I really did get the short end of the stick. =/

It’s not about what you can’t do, or who you aren’t; it’s about what you CAN do and who you ARE!

I’m happy with myself and I love who I am. I’ve been going through a tough time lately, stuck in a rut, sad, stressed, and having a bit of an identity crisis. I’m not gonna lie, I’m still in a rut, I’m still not happy with my current state of life, or mindset, and there’s still a bunch of thoughts that I need to sort out and figure out. But one thing I’m not is unhappy with myself. I’m still me. I’m still Jenn…at heart, I’m still the same person. And I damn proud of that person.

I know I’m a kind, genuine, smart, funny, giving, loving, refined, talented, and accepting person. And I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being able to admit that. Yes, I’m humble..I don’t walk around with my nose in the air, bragging about these things. I may even be surprised if I were to get a compliment on these things. But I am proud of these things, and I recognize these are some of the best traits about myself. I’ll sacrifice myself or something in my life just to help someone because I want to. I genuinely care about other people, sometimes more than I should. I’m a damn good friend and will literally do anything for those closest to me. I have my head on straight…I have high morals and values and I stick to them and stay true to myself. I have big goals and dreams, and I’m trying my best to help myself achieve those goals. I have a great sense of humor and, yeah, I think I’m funny. I’m different, and weird and I think that’s a GREAT thing. I’d never judge another person because I know how it feels and I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone. I’m a writer, graphic designer, and I have a love for all things creative. I’m also pretty damn good with computers and techy/geeky stuff. And you know what? Yes, I love these things about myself and I’ll hold my head high and wear a smile on my face, even if I’m having the crappiest of days because I love and respect myself and I want the world to know that.

I will NEVER let anyone else, or anything else take away my self confidence. I will never let anything negatively influence me. I trust myself enough to know when I’m right and when I’m wrong, and if I know in my heart I’m right, I will stand up for myself because I owe it to myself. Will I still be kind and respectful? Absolutely. Always. But I’m not a doormat, either. And if I know I’m wrong? Then I’ll be the first to admit it, and apologize to anyone I’ve hurt. I’ve always known all this stuff about myself, but it took me awhile to be able to openly say “hey, this is me, this is who I am, and this is what makes me awesome.” I was always scared of coming across as arrogant, or stuck up…but there’s absolutely nothing wrong with recognizing what makes you awesome, and different from the world and being proud of that.You should be proud of who you are and find at least something to love about yourself. My confidence never left me like I thought it did…I simply just forgot what makes me awesome, and what makes me Jenn. I love myself and no one or nothing could ever change that. You should love yourself, too. There’s always something to love about yourself and be proud of. So find it, and then embrace it.