Insomniac ramblings…

So this is another late-night, I can’t sleep because there’s too much on my mind, Insomniac post that probably will be extremely rambly and make no sense. So I apologize. I’ve actually been really scared lately. As much as I’ve learned to accept, embrace, and enjoy change…it still scares me sometimes. I have a feeling a LOT will be changing in my life in the next few months…and I’m not so sure it’s going to be good change. The people in my life, my daily routines, my life paths…it’s all going to be majorly different than it has been the past couple years. And I’m not excited. And it’s not the fact that it’s actually “change” that scares me. It’s that deep down, I just have a bad gut feeling that this particular change isn’t going to be a happy one for me. I’ve already started to see the beginning effects of this change, and so far, I’m not really feeling it. The close relationships I had with people in my life for the past few years I feel are slowly starting to fade. Normally this doesn’t bother me. But I thought I finally found people who could be in my life long term, who I trust, and who trust me back. Who I could confide in, and have real, meaningful friendships with. So yeah, it hurts me a little. And I’m scared. I’ve also been relapsing on and off all this year with struggles I faced a few three to four years ago. And I’m scared. Especially since the people I thought I could trust/confide in, no longer really seem to care and I don’t really have anyone talk to or reassure me. It just sucks so badly going from on top of the world happy, to feeling crappy, sad, and depressed all of the time. Back in March, it got to the point that all I would do is sleep, and cry in bed all day long. I wouldn’t leave my room at all except to go to class…some days. I wouldn’t even eat and I lost over ten pounds. It’s since gotten better. But I’m scared it’s going down that route again. I know in my mind what the worst case scenario would be…I know what I’m most scared of. And I so desperately pray that it doesn’t end up that way. I want to be truly happy again.


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