Feeling special…

I’m not really sure which direction this post is going to go in…this is one of those late night, insomnia, random thoughts popping into my mind kind of posts, so I apologize in advance. Hah. Sometimes I wonder what it’s like to actually feel loved, appreciated, and special. Now before you all assume I’m some sort of negative, depressed drama queen, let me clarify by saying that I know I am loved, and appreciated…by some people anyway, but that doesn’t mean I always feel that way…or ever feel that way. By my family, mostly. I know my family loves me, but my whole life, I’ve never exactly felt special to anyone in my family. My mom, dad, step dad, step mom, sisters, etc…I have a very selfish family. How I turned out as selfless as I did? I have no idea. But thank God I did.

Anyway, I feel like there selfishness has gotten in the way of actually making me feel special and appreciated by them. I feel like no one in my life has ever made sacrifices for me…I never grew up in a house where we said “I love you” or hugged, or did family activities together, or showed any sort of affection. It was like an unwritten rule…we knew we loved each other, so why did we ever have to say it. But that’s not me, though. I’m a very affectionate person. I like to spoil the people I love. I like to surprise them, I like to show AND tell them how much they mean to me…or I like the idea of that anyway. But I really don’t know how to do those things. It doing those things scares me. You see, because I grew up in a family where that sort of stuff never took place, it’s conditioned me to act awkward and fear away from showing any sort of affection towards anyone. And that’s really sad. It’s also conditioned me to not know how to react when someone shows affection to me. What if a friend, or someone else in my life tells me they love me, or that they care about me? What do I do? What do I say back? Thank you? I honestly have NO idea. And it’s really sad because now I don’t even know how to let the people I care about know that I care about them.

It kind of sucks when you grow up not feeling like you’re special to anyone. I never questioned whether my family loved me because I know they did. But growing up, having friends whose parents always did SO much extra for them, and showered them with extra affection, and surprised them with little things just because…and even now, still having friends and knowing people whose families do so much for them and with them…just little things, like planning a nice day for their birthday, or spending holidays with them, or taking them out to eat…the little things. My family never does that. We don’t really even celebrate birthdays…hell, I’m lucky if I get a “happy birthday” from my family, and the only time I get a birthday cake on my birthday is when I buy it for myself. It’s kind of silly and it sounds sort of lame, but I’ve always wanted a birthday cake with candles, with the whole “happy birthday” song thing, and blowing out my candles. I feel deprived. I don’t think I’ve gotten that since I was maybe eight years old? I usually end up spending every birthday I have sitting at home alone, or in my room alone…bored. And it’s not that my family means anything by it, but they’re just selfish, and lazy and don’t think much of it. We don’t really celebrate anything…not even once in a lifetime things, or monumental life moments. My mom won’t even take photos of me because she says; “I already know what you look like…why do I need a picture of you?” And although my parents do love me, I experienced quite a bit off verbal abuse in my house…particularly from my mother. Instead of terms of endearment, and admiration, and love..it was always very negative; “you could be better,” “you’re useless,” “you do nothing right,” “you’re a selfish bitch,” etc. I’m surprised I grew up to have the confidence I do. And it’s not that she intentionally wants to hurt me, but unfortunately she takes out all of her frustrations on me, and I guess it makes her feel better to belittle me. It still hurts nonetheless, and I kind of wish I knew how it felt to actually FEEL loved, special, and important to someone, rather than just knowing you are because thats what you SHOULD do.

This just makes me really sad because I feel like it’s kind of ruined me and I haven’t gotten to experience the life I want. I look at my friends and other people I know, and how they’ve gotten to experience everything I never got to, and it makes me a bit jealous. I’m a very independent girl, and I love that I’m okay with only having myself to rely on, but I am human, and it would be nice to feel special every once in awhile…for someone just to do nice little gestures for me every now and then because I never had that growing up. I wish my family didn’t ruin my abilities to be an affectionate person because I really am at heart; I just don’t know how to express it. It makes me feel awkward, but I’m working on that because I know how important it is to show that affection and emotion because I never had that. But in the back of my mind, I always wonder “what if this person thinks I’m so weird for saying/doing this like my family does??” It really sucks. It would just be nice to feel special and appreciated every now and then because I believe it’s a basic human right, and even if it’s not by my family…just someone in my life because we’re all entitled to feeling special and important. Because of my family, unfortunately, I am now the type of person that needs reassurance that I am appreciated and cared for, and that’s sad to me. Sometimes I feel that in my childhood and family, I really did get the short end of the stick. =/

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