My 22nd birthday was on Wednesday and I received a little bit of money from my parents to go shopping, considering it’s been awhile since I’ve actually gone shopping for myself. But in honor of my birthday, I decided to take a trip to the mall today and treat myself. I decided to go by myself…I never had a problem doing things by myself; sure I enjoy doing doing things and being around those I’m close to, but I also think of myself as a pretty independent person and doing things by myself doesn’t bother me. Of course, I usually have to suffer the repercussions of being a young, naive looking female being out in public alone. Little do others know, though I may look young, and naive, I’m actually quite smart, and headstrong. And although it happens almost everytime I’m out in public alone, I’ll still never get used to being approached and hit on by guys twice my age.

Today while at the mall, I walked past one of those kiosks…you know, the ones with the pushy sales people who have “special deals just for you” and who won’t let you leave until you buy something. Yeah, well, I purposely walk as far away from those things as possible so that I don’t get stopped. Well, this one in particular, the guy tried to stop me and as I said “no, thanks” as I continued walking, he grabbed my hand and pulled me over and proceeded to try and sell me his product. He was selling this skin exfoliation cream and tested it out on my forearm and of course, there was a “special deal” going on just for me where it was “only” 90 dollars for the exfoliator and moisturizer. What a deal, right?! Ha.

When I told him no and that I didn’t have the money, he proceeded to try to bargain with me, and when that didn’t work, he tried to flirt with me and “flatter” me into buying something. He told me that I was a “beautiful girl” and if I wanted to stay beautiful, I would need to buy his product to keep my skin nice. Whilst he was saying this, he was touching my face, to which I backed away and said “please don’t touch me” as I tried to walk away, but he grabbed my hand and pulled me back again and asked me if I was married. Um what?! I said “no, but I have to go.” and tried  to get away again, but he grabbed my hand once again and I told him “I asked you not to touch me. I’m not going to buy your product and I have to go.” and then I walked away.

Nothing makes me more uncomfortable than being come onto by randoms in public; it freaks me out, it’s creepy, and COMPLETELY unnecessary  Nothing you say to me is going to “charm” or “flatter” me into giving you what you want…especially when they guy is at least twice my age. I may look young and naive, but I’m anything but that. That may work for girls who are so desperate for male attention who will do anything to get it, but that’s not me…at all, nor will it ever be, and it pisses me off how some guys think they can “charm” a girl into doing anything that they want. It’s disgusting.

Just do it!…


Just do it!

Reminding myself that if something is worth it, then just do it. At least you can say you tried. But it’s never going to get better by just sitting there wishing it would. You say you care? Prove it. Take the initiative and just do it.

I thought I could handle this…

I really thought I could handle this…I really didn’t expect this to bother me so much. I thought that I could just not think about it, move on, and everything would be fine. But I can’t. Believe me, I’ve tried. I’ve tried SO hard. And I really don’t know how much longer I can keep this a secret, before I just say it. Blurt it out. And have it out in the open. But saying something won’t change anything…not for my benefit, anyway. Things will just get worse, and I could lose something so important to me. But not saying something will kill me, too. I might still have what’s so important to me, but I’d have to live in regret while I just sit back and watch, and wonder what could have happened if I would have spoke up when I had the chance. Is everything worth saying? Are some things better left unsaid? Ugh. I really did not expect this to be me. I’m not that girl. This has never happened before. I mean, I knew it obviously would eventually, but why now? Why can’t I just be happy with what I have? Why is this just not enough? All I know is what I want, I’m 1,000% sure this is what I want, and I may never get it…and that bothers me more than it should, or more than I want it to anyway, and I really don’t know how much longer I can keep it to myself. I’m SO confused.

Stuck between a rock and a hard place…

Unfortunately, as humans, we aren’t able to turn off certain emotions and feelings. Certain emotions are inevitable and as much as we don’t want  to feel a certain way, sometimes we can’t help it. Sometimes, I wish we could, though. I wish there was a switch to turn off certain feelings. And no, I’m not talking about being sad, or insecure, or anything like that because quite frankly, those things are changeable and you can turn them off, with a proper mind set. I’m talking about something much deeper. And I wish it was that easy to just change my mindset and change this emotion…but I can’t. It’s still there. And it makes life so much more complicated than it needs to be. Why don’t we get any say in this? And why must we be so vulnerable sometimes? Why can’t we decide that if we don’t want to feel a certain way, we don’t have to? Like I said, this is more than just a mindset thing…no change in mindset could ever turn this off. So what do I do? Do I just sit quietly and torture myself within and wait and hope for it to pass? Or do I do something about it, put it out there, and potentially ruin something extremely important to me?

Sometimes, when…


Sometimes, when things are worth fixing, you have to take matters into your own hands. If it’s worth it, you’ll do whatever it takes.

As scary, or nerve wracking, or uncomfortable as it may be, I know I have to do this because it’s been a month and obviously it isn’t fixing itself.