This is exactly what I didn’t want this blog to become…a place where I ramble on and rant about the negative things in my life, but honestly, my life has just been a whole lot of negative lately. I don’t have anything positive, or fun to share…and I need an outlet; somewhere I can just let it all out, so I apologize to those of my followers who didn’t follow me just to hear me rant..I hope I’ll have something fun and happy in my life to share with you all soon.
I had another panic attack this morning on my way to school, and another one last night when I was trying to fall asleep. I thought they might actually be over since that was my first one in about two days. I guess not, though. I’ve just been feeling hopeless…to the point where I feel like there’s no use in even trying anymore. Like why bother? It’s not gonna happen anyway… I hate feeling like this; it’s the worst feeling in the world. Is it too much to ask to just want to feel like myself and be happy again? Is it too much to ask to want to enjoy my life again? And is it too much to ask to want to look forward to things and be excited for life again? Apparently so…
I haven’t felt this awful in two years, I haven’t felt this low and broken since I was 19, and I haven’t had anxiety like this in SO long. I hate it. I absolutely hate it. My life was going amazingly; why did all of a sudden everything just come to one big crashing halt? It’s like one bad thing happens, and then another, and then another, to the point where I literally can’t eat, or sleep, or think straight without having bad anxiety attacks, or stressing out, or just feeling sad. I’ve literally cried every day for the past MONTH. Sometimes multiple times a day because I’m just so scared. Scared that this is my life now…scared that this is what my life has become, and I don’t like it. Not one bit.
I wish I could change it, but I can’t. I’ve tried everything, but every time I think things are getting better, it’s just a tease and they go right back down again. I’m tired of this. This isn’t me and this isn’t what my life should be. I’ve never felt this hopeless before…I wish I could say that I have faith that things will get better, but honestly I can’t…not anytime soon, anyway. I just feel things progressively getting worse. And I’m terrified. I’ve hit rock bottom…I’m officially hopeless.