Change…

Change used to be something I ran away from…I was terrified of it. If things were good in my life, and I was happy, why would I want to change that? I realized, though, change is inevitable and can be a good thing. How do you ever expect to learn and grow as a person if you run from change? Now, I embrace change…I really strive every day to be the best person I can be. I want to learn all I can and experience all I can. I want to grow into the best version of myself possible, and none of that is possible without learning to accept change. Change is a good thing.

However, in my opinion anyway, change can also be a bad thing…sometimes, anyway. Not all change is good, and that still scares me. I feel like my life has changed a lot in the past few months, and I wouldn’t necessarily say it’s good change. It scares me. It scares me to think that this is my life now…for the time being. It especially hurts when I think back to how good things were and how happy I was before these past few months, and I look at my life now. What happened?! Why did things have to go and drastically change? I don’t understand…it almost seemed like an overnight thing; you know, fine one minute, terrible the next? I don’t like this type of change. It’s doing nothing to help me as a person, and doing everything to hurt me. I can only hope this is just a road block, a detour, a little bump in the road…not a dead end like things have been in the past.

I’ve been in little ruts before..many times, and I’ve always gotten out. I’ve never had a rut that lasted so long before, though…last time I felt like this, it lasted for nearly two years, and most definitely wasn’t a “rut”…it was full blown change; awful change at that. And I pray to God this is not the case this time. I so desperately hope things go back to normal soon…and when I say normal, I mean the way things were AT LEAST three or four months ago, so I can get back to being me. I won’t accept this as my life now, but there’s only so much I can do about it…there’s only so much that’s in my control, and right now, nothing is really in my control. I don’t really feel like this is a matter of a mindset thing, I mean, sure my mindset needs fixing, but that’s not the root of the issue. I feel like external parts of my life have changed, and therefore, caused my mindset to change. The ball is not in my court. So I guess I just have to wait…and hope, and pray that everything works out the way I want it to and that things do in fact, go back to normal. That this “change” isn’t really a “change,” but merely just a little pause, or bump in the road. Please. I can’t handle this being my new life. I won’t settle.

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