I don’t understand why some people think it’s acceptable or “funny” to bring other people down… especially when they’re already obviously upset. It’s really perplexing and I just don’t get how some humans can say such awful things to others for their own amusement. As stated in a previous post, I’ve been having a really tough time in my life recently and I haven’t really felt like myself. Today was probably one of the tougher days I’ve had this past month…not only was I dealing with everything going on and suffering from anxiety and panic attacks…but something else was also really negatively affecting me and overall it was just not a good day…at all.
I was sitting in my last class this afternoon; already sad, stressed, and upset, it all just became too much to bear…I started getting really emotional, so I just walked out in the middle of class and decided to go home. Now I never do this..I think it’s really disrespectful to just get up and leave in the middle of a class, but I just really felt like that would be best for me. As I was walking through the hall, I broke down and started crying. I was walking downstairs, out of the building when a group of people, three guys and two girls, started walking downstairs behind me. It was obvious that I was upset and crying and the people behind me knew it. They started talking loudly among each other purposely, so I could hear them. They started by mocking me while one guy said “aww…look at the sad little girl. Cry little white girl, cry.” then one of the girls started laughing and said “look, she be running!” they all started laughing, hooting some things I couldn’t really understand, but one of the guys mentioned how I looked “rapeable.” I finally SNAPPED. By this point, we were both already downstairs. I turned around and said “what the FUCK is your problem?!? Maybe you all should shut the fuck up and grow up,” and I stormed off. Mind you, we’re in COLLEGE. Not middle school. Not high school. College. They all looked like they were at least in their 20’s and I’m absolutely SO confused and baffled that these grown ADULTS could act like such children. That was seriously the cherry on top of an already absolutely awful day.
After that, I had to go sit down inside to cool off before I drove home because I wasn’t in the right mental mindset to operate a car. Inside, I tried to call a friend who I don’t really speak to that often, but I honestly just needed to vent and cool off. Now, I usually don’t tell most people in my life personal things or talk to them about things like this, but I needed to talk to someone. So I called her and proceeded to tell her about my awful day. She interrupted me mid-sentence and said “Jenn, Jenn, Jenn, Jenn, Jenn…sorry, but this is REALLY long…” “What?” I said. “Your story,” she said, “it’s too long.” Already pissed off, I said “sorry for bothering you.” and I hung up. Well, there’s another fiend down the drain who obviously doesn’t care about me.
Now I remember why I never tell barely anyone anything in the first place. No one cares. I just honestly am so done. With everyone and everything. Days like this make me question everyone and everything in my life. I wish I could just erase today completely. I’m tired of this shit…and I’m tired of the people in my life not being there for me when I need them. Here’s hoping tomorrow will be better…most likely not though. When will things start looking up for me again? When will I actually be able to genuinely smile and laugh again? I miss that. I’m tired of living like this.