I’m not okay…

I don’t normally post things like this, but It’s nights like this that I turn to writing…where my thoughts keep me up, and I try to fight back the tears because I’m stuck. And it’s nights like this where I kind of just wish I had someone to talk to…someone who actually wouldn’t mind me just venting to them and let everything out, so I turn to writing. I’m stuck in this mental mindset and have been for quite a while. And I can’t get out. It’s not just a “rut,” or phase anymore…I’m genuinely not happy and I don’t feel like myself. I’m NOT myself…and it’s been about a month or two since I have felt like myself. It’s been SO long since I’ve actually had FUN and felt good about life. I’m a happy person; I have a happy, optimistic spirit, and I desperately want that to show again. But right now I have these inner demons that are just completely destroying me from within. My thoughts, my current place in life…I’m not happy with. And no, this has nothing to do with not having a job. I didn’t have a job a year ago, six months ago, four months ago…but I was still happy and happy with my life. I can honestly say I’m not right now. Not by a long shot. I’m just so down and I keep fighting it but it won’t go away. I just want to be happy again. I want to have fun and enjoy life like I used to. Sure I’ve had some good days, but lately I feel like the bad ones really out number the good ones. I want Jenn back…the real Jenn…not this sad little girl who wants to cry 24/7. I’m really tired of keeping this to myself and bottled up because I just feel like it keeps getting worse. And I’m scared. I’m scared it’s going to go further, and more is going to happen, and I’m going to end up even sadder. I need to talk to someone, but it’s honestly SO hard for me to show my vulnerable side and open up to people. But I can’t continue to live like this. I want myself back. I want the real me back. But I need help…I can’t do this on my own. I need support, and I need reassurance. I don’t wanna cry myself to sleep every night anymore. I want my happy-go-lucky, optimistic, funny, good-spirited self back, and I want her back now. So I guess this is me saying no, I’m not okay…

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